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Friday, December 28, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for December 27

Aha!Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for Dec. 27, 2012!

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New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

1. Read less.

2. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

3. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Start being superstitious.

8. Spend more time at work.

9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

10. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Crazy Laws - New Hampshire

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.

It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

You may not run machinery on Sundays.

You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

In White Mountain Nat. Forest NH, if a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for "maintaining the national forest without a permit".

Ready To Laugh?

Come to AhaJokes.com for more fun any time! Visit our funny pics, funny vids, or funny forwards sections for a good laugh!

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida residents still don't know how to use a Voting machine.

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy. Besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.

"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

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Monday, December 24, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Sex.
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
7:00 Breakfast, fillet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Stoli bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Sex.
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).
14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked supermodel.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch CNN news flash: president resigns - farm animal video released and authenticated.
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963) 20 oz. New York steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart -- dog leaves room.
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.

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Saturday, December 22, 2012

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Friday, December 21, 2012

this may be our last email ever.

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Dear Friends,

As many of you have probably heard, the Mayans have predicted that the world will end tonight. That‘s right – as the clock expires onto the next day, we too may be expiring.

We know the Mayans have made these "the world is ending" claims before, but what if they‘re right this time?

Either way, we‘ll be here all day doing what we do best – watching TV and talking about it. Feel free to tweet us @ComedyCentral and join in the conversation with #TheMayansWereRight, because if this is our last day together, we want to share it with you.

Thank you for taking this journey with us. We‘ll see you on the other side.

Love Always,

Your Friends at Comedy Central

P.S. Honestly, you probably should have been making dinner for your girlfriend or calling your mom instead of watching TV.

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Copyright © 2012 Comedy Central Partners. All rights reserved.

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

One morning, a company CEO read an unusual letter from one of his employees:

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read in the new$paper$, the U$ economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman

-----------------------------------------

The next day, the employee received this reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as of yet.

NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Merry #Dissmas. Love, The Burn

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MERRY DISSMAS FROM THE BURN WITH JEFF ROSS SPREAD THE #MERRYDISSMAS CHEER WITH THESE LOVING PERSONALIZED MESSAGES.

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play ’Mommie and Daddy,’" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you’re taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A Sunday school teacher was teaching on heaven to a class of kindergarten aged students.

She asked them, "Kids if I sell my house and my car, and give all the money to the poor, do I get to go heaven?"

The children in unison replied, "No."

She asked them again, "What if I quit my job and spend all my time helping orphans, then do I go to heaven?"

The children again replied "No."

The teacher then asked the children, "Okay, just how do I get to heaven?"

Little Johnny in the back row slipped up his hand.

"Yes Johnny, how do I get to heaven?" the teacher asked.

He replied, "You gotta be dead first!

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: ’I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the cow.’

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A fellow shows up for work one Monday with his neck bandaged and talking in a very hoarse whisper. His friend asks, "Hey, what happened to you?"

The guy responds, "I got this playing golf on Saturday. We were following three ladies who were playing very slowly. One of them finally sliced her ball into the adjoining cow pasture. She climbs the fence and spends the next 15 minutes looking all over for it. So I hopped over the fence to help. I saw a cow nearby switching it's tail and spotted a flash of something white under it's tail. I walked over to the cow, moved it's tail aside and there was the ball stuck part way into its twat. So I hollered to the lady, 'Hey does this look like yours.' and she hit me in the throat with her 6 iron"

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Monday, December 10, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"

But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

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Friday, December 7, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.

The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

"Sure was," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

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