Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

2012-01-27T07:18:00.001-08:00

Short Funny Jokes

Posted: 26 Jan 2012 09:13 PM PST

The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.

That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:

"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"

The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone of deep regret:

"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."

The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The girl looked at him inquiringly:

"Um—ah—is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.

"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."

The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man sat down on the steps to wait for himself.

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

"I beg your pardon, madam."

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.

"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.

The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.

Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus Tonight!

2012-01-26T13:54:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-26T03:02:00.001-08:00

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Little Johnny kept disrupting his class by letting out loud farts, so his teacher kept him after school.

"Why do you do it?" she frowned.

"Cos I can do it better than anyone and I'm proud of it," said Johnny.

"If I show you I can fart better than you," asked the teacher, "will you stop?"

Johnny agreed, so the teacher placed two piles of chalk dust on the floor. Little Johnny dropped his pants, squatted and with a mighty toot blew away all but the tiniest speck of dust.

Then the teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted and farted - blowing all the dust away.

"No wonder you won!" screamed Johnny. "You've got a double barred!"

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2012-01-24T20:02:00.001-08:00

Funny Jokes Blog

In the internet age..

Posted: 23 Jan 2012 09:04 PM PST

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2012-01-24T03:02:00.001-08:00

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob; "How about Viagra"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."

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2012-01-23T20:02:00.001-08:00

Funny Jokes Blog

No ways we are tolerating internet censorship!

Posted: 22 Jan 2012 08:34 PM PST

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2012-01-23T03:02:00.001-08:00

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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There's a new post on The Panic Button!

2012-01-22T09:35:00.001-08:00

There's a new post on The Panic Button!

An Update

Posted: 22 Jan 2012 07:56 AM PST

Hello,

It’s been a very long time. In that time, a lot has changed for all of us. After looking back at all the posts we’ve made on this blog, I’d say we’ve matured pretty well. I think I can speak for most of us when I say this blog really helped me better understand and develop myself as a person.

As for now, we’re in our second year of high school, and we’re all still friends. I for one still enjoy making videos, acting in the theater, and playing soccer. I still regularly update my YouTube channel.

This blog is almost acting as a virtual time capsule. I’m looking back at some posts and it’s bringing back a lot of memories. Two years of our lives are documented in 1400 posts. That’s a pretty incredible collection if you ask me.

And what’s new with you? I hope in the last two years you’ve done well with yourself. I remember some of you had a blog of your own, and I’m wondering if you’ve still continued it. I hope that with time came change for you, and I hope that that change has been positive.

Enjoy your life,
Sam

Filed under: Funny

Funny Jokes Blog

2012-01-20T20:06:00.001-08:00

Funny Jokes Blog

After Chrome, Now Firefox hairstyle!

Posted: 19 Jan 2012 09:25 PM PST

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2012-01-20T03:02:00.001-08:00

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy.

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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2012-01-19T03:02:00.001-08:00

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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2012-01-18T03:02:00.000-08:00

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

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2012-01-17T20:55:00.001-08:00

Funny Jokes Blog

Oops

Posted: 17 Jan 2012 09:21 AM PST

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2012-01-17T03:02:00.001-08:00

Cats And Women

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

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2012-01-16T03:02:00.000-08:00

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what the girls are like. Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure and is short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

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Laugh at His Pain. Kevin Hart All-New Stand-Up TONIGHT! Preview Inside.

2012-01-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

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2012-01-13T03:02:00.000-08:00

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

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Obama Loses His Sh*t on YouTube - Watch it

2012-01-12T07:39:00.001-08:00

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2012-01-12T03:02:00.000-08:00

Two men sharing a room in the local hospital are scheduled for surgery. Both are having prostrate problems.

The nurse arrives to do her duties as ordered.

The first man gets prep’d, recieves a happy shot and to his delight the nurse reaches below his sheets and grabs ahold of his shaft; as she starts to stroke him gently, the man says "Hey what is this? Not that I mind, I’m just alittle curious? Doc didn’t mention a handjob?"

The nurse instructed him to relax and enjoy. It was normal procedure to make sure there was no sperm present when the procedure was being carried out.

The man did as he was told and shortly there after reached climax and laid back with a smile on his face.

Watching the nurse as she continued on her duties making ready the next patient. First a shave, then a shot and then instead of the reaching under the roomates sheets, she pulled them back and began what appeared to be one hell of a good blowjob...

"Wait just a minute" he protested "why does he get a blowjob? We’re having the same operation"

The nurse, removing the alread rigid cock from her mouth stated "That sir, is the difference between Blue Cross and the HMO"

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2012-01-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

A Rabbi went to the barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step.

A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step.

A couple of days later the Baptist minister came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts."

So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their hair cut!

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2012-01-09T03:03:00.001-08:00

Quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

2. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

3. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

4. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

5. "If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a week."

6. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

7. "If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean."

8. "It's hard to believe she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

9. "One neuron short of a synapse."

10. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; she only gargled."

11. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

12. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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Int'l Mini-MBA Program at Makati Shangri-La Hotel, Makati City on January 28 - March 17, 2012

2012-01-08T18:27:00.001-08:00

Want to be a Recognized Global Business Administrator?

DMCA

Business Education

16th Chartered Business Administrator

(CBA) Mini MBA Program

Makati Shangri-La Hotel

January 28, February 04, 11, 18, 25

& March 03, 10, & 17, 2012

Course Syllabus:

The course will run through 8 consecutive Saturdays with in-depth discussions and lectures on the following topics:

· Human Resources Management

· Marketing

· Accounting and Finance

· Information Technology

· Leadership

· Strategic Management

(General Management)

Lecturers are from the academe with International MBAs and successful business practitioners.

As management of financial statements are entrusted to Certified Public Accountants (CPA), health practices to Medical Doctors (MD), businesses and companies should be entrusted to competent business professionals.

Ever wondered which qualification is for business owners and managers like you?

Chartered Business Administrator (CBA) is a management certification given to qualified individuals competent in the fields of Management of the General Organization, Human Resources, Marketing, IT, Accounting and Finance.

The CBA certification is designed to validate one's skills in business management. Recognized worldwide, the certification is upheld by the Chartered Association of Business Administrators (CABA), based in Canada whose mission is to raise competency in the field of management and business administration through certifications and code of ethics.

Benefits of Being a CBA

After the course, the participant who successfully meets the CBA eligibility requirements at the end of the program will enjoy the following:

· Worldwide Recognition: Professional letters CBA after the name, signifying achievement of globally recognized certification.

· Membership certificate sealed by the Chartered Association of Business Administrators of Canada

· Access to the "Members Only" section on the Institute's web site.

· Regional Meetings

· CPD (Continuing Professional Development) seminars

· Referral of Job Placement

Who do you want to be?

Certification validates a standard of acquired knowledge and skill, which distinguishes professional managers from the regular.

Being a CBA validates that you have the competency to manage and run a business. Whether you're an entrepreneur thinking of putting up your own firm or a manager climbing the corporate ladder, upgrade your business practice and career by getting a CBA Certification.

What are they saying about the program?

The CBA Program was very informative and up to date. I would also say very timely and the lectures was lively making it more fun and interesting. The program also provide us some very unique way of attacking present managerial problems that we have in our workplace. At the same time I gained more friends while enjoying the lectures. Needless to say the speakers were exceptional in sharing their knowledge, skills and experience to us.

Alfredo N. De Jesus

Division Manager

Panasonic Manufacturing Phils., Corp. (PMPC)

The CBA Program is a perfect program for the busy executives. It is not just a refresher course on business ad. What makes it effective are the resource subject matter experts and the depth of sharing of work experience of the participants. I can't wait to be certified. I will encourage my friends and colleagues to enroll in this program.

Jeremy S. Rodriguez

HR Manager

SGV & Co.

The CBA Program is perfect for someone who doesn't have the luxury of time attending a full MBA program. It gives practical skills and knowledge to newly promoted manager like me. It improved the quality if my decisions and how I handle my team after completing the program. Lastly, all trainors are well experience in their own field and they have great rapport with all participants.

Jesse S. Bulatao

District Manager

Ecolab Philippines, Inc.

CBA Program open my mind on the nitty-gritty of business. I am very expose not only on my line of expertise but to other departments that it really had linkages to each other. This program can really help me to be ready if I would be a manager in the future. I would recommend this program to others and tell them its benefits.

Almaeda Lynne S. Dalere

HR Officer

MRL Cybertec Corp.

Who Should Attend?

Those involved or would soon be involved

in decision making processes in management, finance, marketing, human resource development, academics, government, personal business and non-profit organizations.

Continue Mastering Business with us with OUR NUMBERS AND MANAGEMENT SERIES

* Business Accounting and Tax

(March 03, 10, 17, & 24, 2012)

* Managerial Accounting

(Jan. 21, 28, Feb. 04, & 11, 2012 )

CBA Program Batch 14

Click Here to Enlarge Photo

Media Partner:

Be a global business leader NOW. Let us prepare YOU.

For inquiries: Please call us at: 840.3903 / 817.7036 / 310.4166

Or you can email us at: business@dmcasia.net

And you can visit us at: www.dmcasia.net

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Its All-New Stand-Up Comedy Night! Sneak Preview Inside.

2012-01-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

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2012-01-06T03:02:00.001-08:00

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

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2012-01-05T03:02:00.001-08:00

Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:

Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc.

Well, that takes care of that.

Write soon, Affectionately,
Father

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6th Managerial Accounting Program on January 21, 28, February 4 & 11, 2012 at AIM Conference Center, Makati City

2012-01-04T18:03:00.001-08:00

Want to understand profits, costs and investments for your company?

DMCA

Business Education

Course Syllabus:

The course will run through 4 consecutive Saturdays. At the end of the course, you will have a gain a more thorough understanding of the following topics:

Day 1

Topic 1

· Introduction to The Business Environment

· Financial Statements - Snapshot

· Balance Sheet

· Income Statement

· Statement of Cash Flow

· Statement of Changes in Retained Earnings

· Service Cost

· Trading Cost

· Manufacturing Cost

Day 2

Topic 2

· Cost behavior

· Fixed

· Variable Costs

· Sales Price

· Sales Volume

· Lost Structure

· Profit Stability

· Contribution Margin

· Break-Even

Day 3

Topic 3

· Relevant Costs

· Capital Investment Analysis

· Payback Method

· Net Present Value (NPV)

· Internal Rate of Return (IRR)

· Return on Investment (ROI)

Day 4

Topic 4

· Business Budget as a Management Strategy

· Business Budget Preparation (How to make one)

· Business Budget Analysis

· Business Budget Variance

6th Managerial Accounting Program

AIM Conference Center, Makati City

January 21, 28, February 4, and 11, 2012

· Thinking of ways on how to grow your business?

· Finding a method on how to determine the best price for your products that is both customer and business friendly?

· Looking for ways on how to minimize costs?

· Wanting to keep more of what you earn?

Every entrepreneur and corporate manager should know this in order to grow their business and add value to their companies.

Want to learn all this and professionalize

your business management?

Join our Managerial Accounting Program, the second of our Numbers and Management Series which prepares managers, entrepreneurs and even non-business professionals to be competent professionals by introducing NOT JUST the CONCEPTS but PRACTICAL applications of business development, building wealth, proposing pricing of products, investments and minimizing costs.

What are they saying about the program?

MAP is the real accounting, very direct, very useful, especially for business owners and entrepreneurs people. Well-rounded program, teaches you not just accounting, but also ethical issues around it, and that molds to be a successful all-around businessman.

Jan Wesley Ng Cobankiat

Managing Director

Co Ban Kiat Hardware Inc.

I highly recommend it to all young aspiring entrepreneurs like we who has zero knowledge with accounting or business in general. Very motivating and interesting because of the speaker.

Paolo D. Torres

Quality Assurance Analyst

Univesity of Mindanao

The MAP is a gift. The program helped me to see the meaning behind the heaps of numbers, and to address these properly. It is a fresh look on a desensitized and underrated business process. Sometimes, stepping back from the reports and books, and really looking at them from a management perspective is the only way to truly understand its vital points. Though I cannot attest to fully understand each digit in the general sense. I have learned to appreciate each digit in the way it connects to decision making.

Miki I. Akasako

Executive Secretary/ Product Manager

Yamato Enterprises Inc.

Who Should Attend?

The Program is ideal for Business Managers and Business Owners in both private and public sector. It is also designed for non-business professionals especially those with BACKGROUND in Accounting.

Continue Mastering Business with us with OUR NUMBERS AND MANAGEMENT SERIES

* Business Accounting and Tax

(March 03, 10, 17, & 24, 2012)

* Managerial Accounting

(Jan. 21, 28, Feb. 4, 11, 2012)

* Basics in Finance and Investment

(March 01 & 02, 2012)

* Human Resource Management

(July 12, 2012)

Media Partner:

Be a Certified Business Administrator by joining our:

* Chartered Business Administrator

(CBA) Mini-MBA Program

Start your Financial Literacy.

Let us educate you.

For inquiries: Please call us at: 817.7036 / 310.4166 / 840.3903

Or you can email us at: business@dmcasia.net

And you can visit us at: www.dmcasia.net

MA Program Pictures

Click Here to: Enlarge Photo

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2012-01-04T03:02:00.000-08:00

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

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2012-01-03T03:02:00.001-08:00

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church and makes his way into the confession box. He says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to catch the man's attention, but the man stays silent. Then the priest knocks on the wall three times in final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, pal. There's no toilet paper in this one either."

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2012-01-02T03:02:00.001-08:00

A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.

"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?" she asked.

"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry."

"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

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2011-12-30T03:02:00.001-08:00

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking girl-talk.

Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time. How many years was that anyway?

Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wondrous years.

Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?

Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm.

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2011-12-29T03:02:00.000-08:00

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out from all the junk going on at work these days.

It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts for a few loyal co-workers. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children new winter coats.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy coats for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

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2011-12-28T03:02:00.001-08:00

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese!

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

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2011-12-27T04:22:00.000-08:00

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

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2011-12-27T03:59:00.000-08:00

Laughter is the best medicine

Doctor's Stirke ???

Posted: 26 Dec 2011 03:35 AM PST

Training Day - Like A Boss

Posted: 26 Dec 2011 12:41 AM PST

You Got A Problem, Punk?

Posted: 26 Dec 2011 12:39 AM PST

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2011-12-27T03:55:00.000-08:00

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

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2011-12-26T03:02:00.001-08:00

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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2011-12-23T23:54:00.001-08:00

Laughter is the best medicine

Reminds me of visiting Louisiana in the spring

Posted: 23 Dec 2011 10:19 AM PST

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2011-12-22T03:02:00.001-08:00

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

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2011-12-21T23:40:00.001-08:00

Laughter is the best medicine

Cat Recommends Abortion

Posted: 21 Dec 2011 08:22 AM PST

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2011-12-21T03:03:00.001-08:00

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the "statue". "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

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2011-12-20T03:02:00.001-08:00

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

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6th Managerial Accounting Program on January 21, 28, February 4 & 11, 2012 at AIM Conference Center, Makati City

2011-12-19T17:53:00.001-08:00

Want to understand profits, costs and investments for your company?

DMCA

Business Education

Course Syllabus:

The course will run through 4 consecutive Saturdays. At the end of the course, you will have a gain a more thorough understanding of the following topics:

Day 1

Topic 1

· Introduction to The Business Environment

· Financial Statements - Snapshot

· Balance Sheet

· Income Statement

· Statement of Cash Flow

· Statement of Changes in Retained Earnings

· Service Cost

· Trading Cost

· Manufacturing Cost

Day 2

Topic 2

· Cost behavior

· Fixed

· Variable Costs

· Sales Price

· Sales Volume

· Lost Structure

· Profit Stability

· Contribution Margin

· Break-Even

Day 3

Topic 3

· Relevant Costs

· Capital Investment Analysis

· Payback Method

· Net Present Value (NPV)

· Internal Rate of Return (IRR)

· Return on Investment (ROI)

Day 4

Topic 4

· Business Budget as a Management Strategy

· Business Budget Preparation (How to make one)

· Business Budget Analysis

· Business Budget Variance

6th Managerial Accounting Program

AIM Conference Center, Makati City

January 21, 28, February 4, and 11, 2012

· Thinking of ways on how to grow your business?

· Finding a method on how to determine the best price for your products that is both customer and business friendly?

· Looking for ways on how to minimize costs?

· Wanting to keep more of what you earn?

Every entrepreneur and corporate manager should know this in order to grow their business and add value to their companies.

Want to learn all this and professionalize

your business management?

What are they saying about the program?

Jan Wesley Ng Cobankiat

Managing Director

Co Ban Kiat Hardware Inc.

I highly recommend it to all young aspiring entrepreneurs like we who has zero knowledge with accounting or business in general. Very motivating and interesting because of the speaker.

Paolo D. Torres

Quality Assurance Analyst

Univesity of Mindanao

Miki I. Akasako

Executive Secretary/ Product Manager

Yamato Enterprises Inc.

Who Should Attend?

Continue Mastering Business with us with OUR NUMBERS AND MANAGEMENT SERIES

* Business Accounting and Tax

(March 03, 10, 17, & 24, 2012)

* Managerial Accounting

(Jan. 21, 28, Feb. 4, 11, 2012)

* Basics in Finance and Investment

(March 01 & 02, 2012)

* Human Resource Management

(July 12, 2012)

Media Partner:

Be a Certified Business Administrator by joining our:

* Chartered Business Administrator

(CBA) Mini-MBA Program

Start your Financial Literacy.

Let us educate you.

For inquiries: Please call us at: 817.7036 / 310.4166 / 840.3903

Or you can email us at: business@dmcasia.net

And you can visit us at: www.dmcasia.net

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2011-12-19T03:02:00.000-08:00

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dog sled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."

A weary nation can relate.

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2011-12-16T23:02:00.001-08:00

Laughter is the best medicine

Bullseye! Run!

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 10:41 AM PST

Jim Gaffigan Is Coming To a Town Near You!

2011-12-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

Having trouble viewing this message Click here. Or Visit The Comedy Central Mobile Site here.

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2011-12-16T03:02:00.000-08:00

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when the last one is finally ready to hit the ball, she hacks at it and it only goes about 10 feet. She walks up to it and hacks away again... another 10 feet.

After the third time, she looks up at the men waiting and, in frustration, says, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help!"

One of the men immediately replies, "Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

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2011-12-15T23:54:00.001-08:00

Laughter is the best medicine

That Crazy Son Of A Bitch!

Posted: 15 Dec 2011 07:43 AM PST

Funny Jokes Blog

2011-12-15T20:13:00.001-08:00

Funny Jokes Blog

The world as we know it!

Posted: 15 Dec 2011 03:50 AM PST

Int'l Mini-MBA Program at Makati Shangri-La Hotel, Makati City on January 28 - March 17, 2012

2011-12-15T18:17:00.001-08:00

Want to be a Recognized Global Business Administrator?

DMCA

Business Education

16th Chartered Business Administrator

(CBA) Mini MBA Program

Makati Shangri-La Hotel

January 28, February 04, 11, 18, 25

& March 03, 10, & 17, 2012

Course Syllabus:

The course will run through 8 consecutive Saturdays with in-depth discussions and lectures on the following topics:

· Human Resources Management

· Marketing

· Accounting and Finance

· Information Technology

· Leadership

· Strategic Management

(General Management)

Lecturers are from the academe with International MBAs and successful business practitioners.

Ever wondered which qualification is for business owners and managers like you?

Benefits of Being a CBA

After the course, the participant who successfully meets the CBA eligibility requirements at the end of the program will enjoy the following:

· Worldwide Recognition: Professional letters CBA after the name, signifying achievement of globally recognized certification.

· Membership certificate sealed by the Chartered Association of Business Administrators of Canada

· Access to the "Members Only" section on the Institute's web site.

· Regional Meetings

· CPD (Continuing Professional Development) seminars

· Referral of Job Placement

Who do you want to be?

Certification validates a standard of acquired knowledge and skill, which distinguishes professional managers from the regular.

What are they saying about the program?

Alfredo N. De Jesus

Division Manager

Panasonic Manufacturing Phils., Corp. (PMPC)

Jeremy S. Rodriguez

HR Manager

SGV & Co.

Jesse S. Bulatao

District Manager

Ecolab Philippines, Inc.

Almaeda Lynne S. Dalere

HR Officer

MRL Cybertec Corp.

Who Should Attend?

Those involved or would soon be involved

in decision making processes in management, finance, marketing, human resource development, academics, government, personal business and non-profit organizations.

Continue Mastering Business with us with OUR NUMBERS AND MANAGEMENT SERIES

* Business Accounting and Tax

(March 03, 10, 17, & 24, 2012)

* Managerial Accounting

(Jan. 21, 28, Feb. 04, & 11, 2012 )

CBA Program Batch 14

Click Here to Enlarge Photo

Media Partner:

Be a global business leader NOW. Let us prepare YOU.

For inquiries: Please call us at: 840.3903 / 817.7036 / 310.4166

Or you can email us at: business@dmcasia.net

And you can visit us at: www.dmcasia.net

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2011-12-15T03:02:00.000-08:00

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing.

He approaches her and asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...

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2011-12-15T00:12:00.001-08:00

Laughter is the best medicine

Close the Blinds
4 deer saved from Alaskan sea passage
I don’t love her…
Its Forever !!!

Close the Blinds

Posted: 14 Dec 2011 05:52 AM PST

Close the Blinds:

4 deer saved from Alaskan sea passage

Posted: 14 Dec 2011 05:51 AM PST

A foursome of young button bucks fell upon some good luck Sunday as they were pulled from the icy waters of Stephens Passage by a group of locals out to enjoy the last few days of recent sunshine.

Four deer swim toward the Satre's boat Sunday. Once they reached the vessel, Satre said they began to circle the boat and looked obviously distressed. The typically skittish and absolutely wild animals came willingly and once on the boat, collapsed with exhaustion. They were shivering.

The rest of the story

Thanks KLAW

I don’t love her…

Posted: 14 Dec 2011 01:36 AM PST

Its Forever !!!

Posted: 14 Dec 2011 01:36 AM PST

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2011-12-14T03:03:00.001-08:00

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

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2011-12-13T03:02:00.000-08:00

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard’s manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson’s."

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2011-12-12T03:03:00.000-08:00

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack."

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2011-12-09T03:03:00.000-08:00

Midget Housing Subsidies

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.

We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

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Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus Tonight!

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There's a new post on The Panic Button!

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Laugh at His Pain. Kevin Hart All-New Stand-Up TONIGHT! Preview Inside.

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Obama Loses His Sh*t on YouTube - Watch it

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Int'l Mini-MBA Program at Makati Shangri-La Hotel, Makati City on January 28 - March 17, 2012

Its All-New Stand-Up Comedy Night! Sneak Preview Inside.

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6th Managerial Accounting Program on January 21, 28, February 4 & 11, 2012 at AIM Conference Center, Makati City

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Laughter is the best medicine

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6th Managerial Accounting Program on January 21, 28, February 4 & 11, 2012 at AIM Conference Center, Makati City

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Jim Gaffigan Is Coming To a Town Near You!

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Funny Jokes Blog

Int'l Mini-MBA Program at Makati Shangri-La Hotel, Makati City on January 28 - March 17, 2012

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Its All-New Stand-Up Comedy Night! Sneak Preview Inside.