Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Colbert Calls for Democracy in Space

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The Colbert Repornt


Stephen Wins NASA's Node 3 Naming Contest 

The Nation has come through for Stephen once again. "Colbert" was the top vote-getter in NASA's contest to name the new Node 3 space module -- to the tune of 230,539 votes. Last night Stephen saluted Congressman Chaka Fattah for insisting that NASA heed the voice of the people, and urged NASA to do the right thing.

Watch Stephen's call for democracy in space!

The Colbert Space Node Video




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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures were:

1. A Woman
2. A Donkey
3. A Shovel
4. A Fish
5. A Star of David

After months of studying the rock, and the figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said: "the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time:

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people."

A little old man in the front row raised his hand to get the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way, it reads: "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!"

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Monday, March 30, 2009

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Jim Gaffigan: Bologna
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'
 
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