HumorJokez

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• A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until
• Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight
• A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill.
• Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
• At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
• A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp
• Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
• A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
• The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students
• Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?
• What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
• Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
• A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed
• There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist
• Did you ever notice?
• Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
• A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside
• Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick
• A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged
• Two atoms were walking down the street.
• There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
• Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner.
• A high school student is in the counselor’s office.
• A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp
• A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:08 PM PDT A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing. A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything. A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:08 PM PDT Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry's, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:07 PM PDT A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?" the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live". The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage. He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!" The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24." The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:07 PM PDT Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:06 PM PDT At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Not only that, but.... Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:05 PM PDT A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:04 PM PDT 1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." 4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many." 8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." 12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?" 13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet. 14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:04 PM PDT A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:04 PM PDT The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady? Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:03 PM PDT At an entrance: Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady? Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.

What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:03 PM PDT Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? A. Limp biscuit

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:03 PM PDT Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:02 PM PDT A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir". "You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes Sir!" was the reply "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?" He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:02 PM PDT There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

Did you ever notice? Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:02 PM PDT Did you ever notice? When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:01 PM PDT Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:01 PM PDT A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:00 PM PDT Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife. "I've left the tickets on it."

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:00 PM PDT A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?" "But why?" Asked the young guy. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the bald man replied.

Two atoms were walking down the street. Posted: 10 Oct 2009 02:00 PM PDT Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, "I've lost an electron! The 2nd atom replies, "Are you sure?" Says the 1st atom, "I'm positive."

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss... Posted: 10 Oct 2009 01:59 PM PDT A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job. The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. Posted: 10 Oct 2009 01:59 PM PDT Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby. When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think it's nice you still call your wife all those pet names." "To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."

A high school student is in the counselor’s office. Posted: 10 Oct 2009 01:59 PM PDT A high school student is in the counselor's office. "So tell me, what things interest you? "I'd like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!" The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, "Well, I guess that means you'll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself." The student paused for a minute and said; "Well, to start with, I'm never wrong." "Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don't, they should." The counselor smiles and says; "Surgeon it is!"

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp Posted: 10 Oct 2009 01:58 PM PDT A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that Posted: 10 Oct 2009 01:58 PM PDT A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

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