HumorJokez

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian
If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.
A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans
After her conviction of murder in the second degree
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket
A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine
Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.
How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy
Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad
When they asked the two monocles why they never got together
Three small kids were bragging about how tough they were
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape
A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway
A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.
This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions
The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:21 PM PDT

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:20 PM PDT

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

"What's that in the corner Kathy?" asked the teacher.

"That's their TV, of course," replied Kathy.

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:20 PM PDT

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:20 PM PDT

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; "I can't stand it sometimes, "We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS." "I know what you mean," said the German "We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria." "We don't have that problem in our country," said the Russian doctor. "When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease."

If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:19 PM PDT

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:19 PM PDT

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.

My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.

What does the M stand for?

Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:19 PM PDT

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:18 PM PDT

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

After her conviction of murder in the second degree

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:18 PM PDT

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, "Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?" "I did," she said calmly. "And when was that?" quipped the D.A. "When he asked for seconds!" she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:18 PM PDT

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:17 PM PDT

A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:17 PM PDT

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.

Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.

Doctor: To make your will?

Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:17 PM PDT

"How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. "Fine", the little fellow replied. "We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child". What did she say?" his mother asked. "The teacher said, "Thank goodness"

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:16 PM PDT

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven't you ever heard of photosynthesis?"

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:16 PM PDT

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.

Three small kids were bragging about how tough they were

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:16 PM PDT

Three small kids were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough", said the first little boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week." The second little boy said, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day." "That's nothing", said the third child. "When my parents take me to see my Grandma and Grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour."

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:15 PM PDT

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I'll inherit his large fortune."

Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe's stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:15 PM PDT

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:15 PM PDT

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:14 PM PDT

A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by a cop. "Didn't you see the arrows?" he asked.

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians," she said.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:14 PM PDT

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:14 PM PDT

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:13 PM PDT

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.

The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.

The lawyer said "what do you want to do?"

Not having much education the idiot said, "Let's peal it up stairs"

The lawyer said "your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court"

When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.

What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?

Let's peal it back down stairs.

This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:13 PM PDT

This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.

The interviewer asks him for his father's name and his mother's maiden name.

What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.

What was your mother's name before she was married?

None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.

The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 02:13 PM PDT

The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer match up service simply as "dater-processing"