Jokes: November 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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On the bus ride to work one morning, the driver tells this guy as he's getting on, "Man! You look terrible today!"

The guy replies, "Really?! I feel great."

As the guy goes into his office, his boss takes one look at him and says, "You look just awful this morning! Are you sure you're not sick?"

Again, the guy replies, "But I feel really great."

These comments get directed at the guy all day until he finally decides to visit the doctor after work. The doctor sees him and immediately says, "Geez, you look just awful and disheveled!"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I know, doc. Everyone's been telling me that all day. But I feel great...really wonderful. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor gets out his huge medical reference book and starts thumbing through it, talking to himself, "Hmmm...looks great, feels terrible... No, that's not what you have... Ah, here it is...looks terrible, feels great."

"What is it, doctor?" the guy anxiously asks.

"Well, it says here in my book that you're a vagina."

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl.

After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was.

He said, "Shree Hill."

Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill."

Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."

Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill."

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

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Its All Humor

The Stranded Irishman

Posted: 28 Nov 2010 05:50 AM PST

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes - What is that little boy

Posted: 27 Nov 2010 11:22 PM PST

"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of the ragged boy.

"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.

"But how is it that you have the candy now?"

"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."

Funny Jokes - A prisoner was brought......

Posted: 27 Nov 2010 11:21 PM PST

A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not represented by a lawyer.

"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.

"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.

"Why not?" queried the judge.

"Because I have no money to pay one."

"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is out in the hall."

The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he turned to the judge and said:

"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."—A.S. Hitchcock.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Its All Humor

Hilarious Inventions in America

Posted: 26 Nov 2010 07:38 PM PST

Friday, November 26, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No" she answered

"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.

"No", She replied

He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.

"I won it by betting" she stated.

"As in horses?"

"No", she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.

"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked.

"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

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Thursday, November 25, 2010

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the 'Staff of Life' in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!"

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "What, a Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression :'Vus titzuch?'

The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

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Monday, November 22, 2010

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."
-- Tina Fey

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Its All Humor

Pay off the Tractor

Posted: 21 Nov 2010 01:31 AM PST

A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest son came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. The father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know a thing about cars."

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Its All Humor

Do you speak Euro Language ?

Posted: 17 Nov 2010 07:26 AM PST

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a ten-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse! of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place.