Friday, August 29, 2014

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A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Jag.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh, no!!" screamed the lawyer. "Where’s my Rolex?"


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Thursday, August 28, 2014

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Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed that his fly was open. When leaving the office, she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know that your barrack's door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, being quite witty, replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags!"


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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

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The bartender says to Mulligan, "No more gin for you, me boy, you're plastered."

So Mulligan says to the bartender: "Plashtered, me? Why, I can see that one eyed cat coming into the pub way over there!"

The barman says to Mulligan, "One eyed cat? That cat's not one eyed, and it's not coming into the pub, it's leaving!


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Monday, August 25, 2014

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A man from London gets lost in a remote part of Wales and eventually encounters a farmer. The man asks the farmer if he can have a lift to the nearest hotel. The farmer agrees. On the way, the farmer asks the man what he does for a living.

The man replies "I'm a ventriloquist."

"Really", says the farmer, confused, "what's that then?"

The man tells the farmer to pull over. By the side of the road is a horse. The man says to the horse "hello, what are you doing?"

The horse replies (or appears to reply), "I'm just having a rest before going off for a gallop". The farmer is amazed.

The man says to a squirrel, "and what about you?"

The squirrel 'replies' "I'm storing some food for the winter."

After dropping the man off at the hotel, the farmer goes to his local field where there is a flock of sheep. The farmer says to the sheep "Be careful, there's a bloke from London asking a lot of awkward questions..."


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Friday, August 22, 2014

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A bloke was complaining to his mate a few days after scoring a new woman.

"Mate," he said, "This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants me to do is screw her in the ear."

"That is weird," his mate replied.

"Yeah," the bloke continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her head."


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Thursday, August 21, 2014

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A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.

"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher."

To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."


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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

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America Offline
[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.


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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

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Misc Women's Rules for Men

* Our cooking and menus are excellent - That isn't, however, an excuse for you to avoid cooking
* Buying us something does not constitute foreplay
* Answering "Who was that?" with "Nobody" doesn't end the conversation - Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
* Believe it or not, you're not more sexy when you're all sweaty
* Silence can mean anything and it could change without notice

Other tidbits

* Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!
* Men are great! Every woman should own one!!!
* Men are just like computers, and a smart woman keeps a backup.
* Men are only good for one thing... two, if they're good at it.
* Men come in three sizes: small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
* Men read Playboy for the articles like women go to malls for the music.


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Monday, August 18, 2014

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Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.

9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.

8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.

7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.

6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.

5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!

4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.

3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.

2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.

And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!


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Friday, August 15, 2014

fashion apparel

Dear Sir,
This is Lily from China, we are fashion apparel company in China.
I am writing to see if we have chance to be your supplier.
we are working for some fashion brands from fabric and accessories sourcing to bulk production.
if you have any new developments,pls reply me and we will give you more infomations to know our company.
looking forward to hearing from you!
 
Best regards.
 
Lily
Ark Garment HK Limited.
No.10 Wenfeng Road,Nantong,Jiangsu,China
Tel:+86 513 856 2282


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Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.


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Thursday, August 14, 2014

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A "blondie" named Nina is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Regis Philbin...

Regis: "Nina, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo D.-Thrush."

Nina: " I think I know who it...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call my sister, Carol."

Carol (a newly turned blonde) answers the phone:"Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have your Sister Nina here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Nina's ..."

Nina: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo or D.- Thrush"

Carol: "Oh geez, Nin. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."

Nina: "Are you sure? Are you REALLY sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Nina: "HOW sure are you?"

Carol: "So sure that I am getting ready to pop open a bottle of champagne and reserve the airline ticket that you are going to buy me to come up and celebrate."

Regis: "Nina, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Nina: "I want to play! Carol is very dramatic and likes attention, but she HATES to be wrong! I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Nina: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "So C is that your final answer?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "You said C-Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Nina flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Nina looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: "Nina, it was easy.... Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."


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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello!" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."


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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

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Actual maintenance complaints logged by Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words


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Monday, August 11, 2014

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One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don’t know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"


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Friday, August 8, 2014

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Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores and I Masturbate."


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Thursday, August 7, 2014

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."


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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

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As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"

Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"


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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

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In an orchestrated event to promote newer, more restrictive gun laws, President Obama addresses an audience of school children at a West Texas elementary school.

He stands silently at the podium and then begins to clap and pause, clap and pause. He does this for a while before speaking.

"Every time I clap my hands, a child somewhere in America dies from gun violence. Even a child should be able to see the solution." President Obama looks expectantly over the audience.

A little boy raises his hand. "Maybe you should stop clapping."


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Monday, August 4, 2014

Using Humor

Using Humor

Link to Using Humor

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Grandmother

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 12:26 PM PDT

Estelle Getty

Hello? Hello? What's wrong with this phone?

Georgian granny disconnects Armenian internet

Beware copper-scavenging septuagenarians

By Lester Haines

A Georgian granny faces a possible three years in jail after a copper-scavenging expedition ended in Armenia’s disconnection from the internet.

While hoping to pick up some valuable booty in the village of Ksani on 28 March, the 75-year-old damaged fibre-optic cables owned by the Georgian Railway Telecom company, which serve Armenia, Azerbaijan and eastern Georgia.

Cue an evening of net-free Armenia, as providers ArmenTel, FiberNet Communication and GNC-Alfa were brought down for several hours until normal service resumed after midnight.

Given her advanced years, the septuagenarian internet-killer has been released “pending the end of the investigation and subsequent trial”, the BBC notes. ®

From The Register.

Filleting Nemo

Posted: 22 Mar 2011 02:49 PM PDT

Clownfish Costume

I know she's not Nemo

I recently signed up for Netflix.

As I was surveying the vast assortment of movies available to me for instant streaming…

I searched for Finding Nemo and sure enough I found it (Netflix has everything) But it was only available on DVD. Ever resourceful, Netflix offered me some alternatives…

Ponyo - Studio Ghibli

Ponyo

 

Ponyo

This Japanese anime feature from famed filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki follows the adventures of a 5-year-old boy, Sosuke, and his burgeoning friendship with Ponyo, a goldfish princess who desperately wants to become human.”

At least it’s about a fish… sort of.

 

Stuart Little 3 – Call of the Wild

Stuart Little 3 - Call of the Wild

Stuart Little 3 - Call of the Wild

 

With school out for the summer, the Littles are vacationing in a cabin by the lake, and Stuart is so excited he could burst! But when Snowbell the cat is captured by a mean-spirited creature known simply as the Beast, it’s up to Stuart and a skunk named Reeko to rescue him and a few other friends.

A mouse, hmmm, Netflix is reaching here. But it is a kids’ movie.

And it’s here that Netflix goes off on a tangent…


Saltwater Fishing

100 Saltwater Fishing Mistakes

The next two movies:

100 Saltwater Fishing Mistakes & How to Avoid Them

Sometimes, doing things correctly is only a matter of knowing what not to do. And when it comes to saltwater fishing, learning from your mistakes isn’t always the safest method.

and

 

Offshore Fishing: Deep Dwellers

Offshore Fishing

Offshore Fishing

You can easily become a pro at offshore fishing — or at least look like a pro — with help from this 40-minute instructional release that offers plenty of insider tips, innovative methods and tricky techniques to dig up grouper, snapper and triggerfish.

 

Does anyone else find it a little disconcerting that two films on fishing would be offered as substitutes for a children’s cartoon about fish?

Maybe I’m just being too sensitive.

Maybe clownfish are good eatin’

Umm umm umm

 

Dogs Can Sniff Out Bowel Cancer

Posted: 01 Feb 2011 08:24 AM PST

Curous Stella

"Don't be alarmed, I'm a dogter"

And all this time we just thought they were looking for love.

From the BBC.

The World is Full of Mad Skills

Posted: 15 Jan 2011 08:29 AM PST

US Quarter

Easy to pick-up Hard to hold onto

From Gizmodo

15 Funniest Writers of All Time

Posted: 21 Dec 2010 07:01 AM PST

Caricature

A Funny Writer Too!

This just in from Jasmine Hall: Over at OnlineClasses.org she has finished an article that sets out to do the impossible, identify the fifteen funniest writers of all time. Although the list does not include me, it could spark some discussion.

Oh! And in case we don’t see each other before next month, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Jolly Kwanzaa, Happy Channukah, Feliz Navidad, or (insert your sentiment here) and May 2011 be filled with goodness, kindness and mercy for you and yours!

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Catholic Dictionary

AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE
Holy Smoke!

JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.

PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.

RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.


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Friday, August 1, 2014

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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger ’units’ than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."


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