Jokes: August 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

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A farmer goes out into his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realization of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No," said the farmer.

"That was Thora Hird," replied the passer-by.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad at her anymore."

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Monday, August 29, 2011

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New Shoes Style

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 02:27 AM PDT

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the Boss. The Brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be Boss". The Hand said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be Boss". The Eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be Boss." And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, the Feet, the Lungs, and finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss. All other parts laughed at the idea of the Asshole being Boss.

The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak, the Hands hung limply at the side, the Heart and Lungs struggled just to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit.

The Moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be the boss. You just have to be an asshole.

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Friday, August 26, 2011

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Angry Anna- Play to support Anna Hazare and help him eliminate Corruption In India

Posted: 26 Aug 2011 04:31 AM PDT

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Common Sense

Posted: 25 Aug 2011 11:36 AM PDT

A cow was kept for observation.

KG student : Its a cow!!

UG student : Perhaps this is a cow !!

PG : This may be cow or a hypopigmented buffalo!!

PHD : Dis may b a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies!!

Moral: The more you study, the more your common sense decreases !! :D :P

Posted: 25 Aug 2011 10:57 AM PDT

Heart touching Story

Posted: 25 Aug 2011 10:28 AM PDT

A boy Loved a Girl but never Proposed her.
One day he Decided to Tell her
at 1 o'clock at Night.
He typed:
"I Love you"& sent it.

After a few Seconds he got a message.But

He decided to See it the Next day
For Surprise & slept.
Next day,he Read the message & became so Shocked because
it was written:

.

.

.

.
.

.

.

Message sending failed due to insufficient balance! Please recharge your Account.

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend fishing with the boys & spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade of yelling about his actions...

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by & he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday & Wednesday came & went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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One Million Pounds was given to your Email Id In Premier Oil Cash Splash

Provide:Names..Address

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

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Change of Address

Posted: 24 Aug 2011 09:31 AM PDT

Dear Readers,

Jokesblog.net is the new address of the blog. Kindly update your bookmarks. The old address (funnyjokesblog.blogspot.com) will continue to redirect to jokesblog.net for a while.

You can send in your jokes to admin@jokesblog.net from now on.

Cheers,
Chetan

Peanuts

Posted: 24 Aug 2011 05:15 AM PDT

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts...so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: Why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth..
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them!":D=D=))

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question.

"What's the deal with all these clocks?" John asked.

"Well," said God, "these clocks tell how much a person masturbates."

"Well, where's my clock?" asked John.

"It's in the office," replied God. "We use it as a fan."

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what the girls are like. Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure and is short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

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Monday, August 22, 2011

Partner needed Urgently for business

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use my spoon.

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Friday, August 19, 2011

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Height Of Back Answering

Posted: 19 Aug 2011 11:00 AM PDT

Teacher:Why are you talking during my lesson?
Student:Why are you teaching during my conversation??

Road sign boards in Himachal Pradesh, India

Posted: 19 Aug 2011 08:54 AM PDT

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Even More Top 10 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

10 - Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.

9 - No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...

8 - If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

7 - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

6 - That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

5 - You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.

4 - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

3 - Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

2 - Your name is Ted Kennedy.

1 - The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

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Financial Situation

Posted: 18 Aug 2011 08:52 PM PDT

The financial situation in the near term is expected to be so bad that women will start marrying for love! - Wall Street Journal

Future Husband

Posted: 18 Aug 2011 08:50 PM PDT

A child said to the sales girl in a shop:
"Miss will you marry me when I
grow up?"
Girl smiled and said "yes"
Child said: "can you give your
future husband a free chocolate?

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.

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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange and beautiful sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.

A Monk answers and he is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end.

His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

(scroll down)

But I cant tell you -------- you're not a Monk.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"

He said, "No."

They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.

Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"

He said, "Yup, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't swim."

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Monday, August 15, 2011

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Will you use your cell phone during a presentation again?

Posted: 15 Aug 2011 11:53 AM PDT

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "C. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

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Saturday, August 13, 2011

One Million Pounds Has Been Given To You In The Tobacco Cash Programed‏

Names
Address
Age

Friday, August 12, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Top 10 Signs that You've been Programming too long...

1) When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

2) When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

3) When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4) When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5) When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6) When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7) When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8) When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

9) When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

A) When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

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Thursday, August 11, 2011

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Beggar

Posted: 11 Aug 2011 09:46 AM PDT

Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he gave me a book
"How to Cook" !!

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Famous German wrestling champion perfected what he called the "Pretzel Hold". This hold was famous for incapacitating anyone he would apply the hold to. A huge match against the American Wrestling Champion was scheduled to begin shortly, and as the American and his coach were preparing, the American's coach set him down to talk.

"Bill," he said, "whatever you do, don't let the German throw that awful pretzel hold on you, you might not survive it."

"Sure thing, Coach" the American replied.

The match began and as soon as the bell sounded, the German ran accross the ring and immediatly threw the American into the dreaded pretzel hold! The American Coach was frantic! He ran around the ring and finnaly found a towel to throw in to stop the match, when to his amazement, the American was up and wrestling again! The match went on and the American was victorious.

Afterwards, the coach had to ask "Bill, how in the hell did you get out of that pretzel hold, nobody has ever gotten out of that hold!"

Bill replies "Well coach, when I was all tangled up with that German, I saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face, so I just bit down on them with all my might and you know, It's amazing how fast you can move when you bite your own balls!"

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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem.

Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he said.

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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

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What do i have Doctor?

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 10:48 AM PDT

One Boy went to his Doctor: i don't Move my Head, i laugh alone, i don't speak to any Person, i don't notice if someone speaks to me, i Look like stupid. What do i have Doctor?
Doc answered him: U have a BlackBerry =))

Angry Plane

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 01:47 AM PDT