Jokes

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

Monday, February 27, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A woman consulted her physician with the complaint that the insides of her thighs had acquired a greenish color.

After much research and consultation with experts in the field, her physician informed her that he believed he had found a diagnosis, but would have to ask her a rather personal question.

"Is your husband a Greatful Dead fan?"

"Why yes, he is," she replied, "In fact we met at a Dead show and were avid followers of their itinerary right up until the death of Jerry Garcia"

"Well, you can tell your husband" advised the doctor "that his earrings are not real gold!"

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Sunday, February 26, 2012

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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob, and Bubba died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn’t get bored before they met God in the morning.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked: "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?"

"159", said Slim.

"Great!", said Einstein. We’ll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around."

"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said: "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?"

"141", said Billy-Bob.

"Good," said Einstein. "If you’d like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."

"Nothing I’d like better!" was Billy-Bob’s reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked: "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?".

"58" said Bubba.

Punching him on the arm, Einstein said: "Hey, Bubba - How ’bout them Cowboys!"

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats".

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Monday, February 20, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Bernie Mac Aint Scared Of You

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Friday, February 17, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five- pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl at the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ...but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolated wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arms around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobsters and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.

When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

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Monday, February 13, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

President Clinton was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine.

Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!"

Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen.

Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!"

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Friday, February 10, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

7th Managerial Accounting Program on April 28 - May 05, 12, & 19, 2012 at AIM Conference Center, Makati City

Want to understand profits, costs and investments for your company?

DMCA

Business Education

Course Syllabus:

The course will run through 4 consecutive Saturdays. At the end of the course, you will have gained a more thorough understanding of the following topics:

Day 1

Topic 1

· Introduction to The Business Environment

· Financial Statements - Snapshot

· Balance Sheet

· Income Statement

· Statement of Cash Flow

· Statement of Changes in Retained Earnings

· Service Cost

· Trading Cost

· Manufacturing Cost

Day 2

Topic 2

· Cost behavior

· Fixed

· Variable Costs

· Sales Price

· Sales Volume

· Lost Structure

· Profit Stability

· Contribution Margin

· Break-Even

Day 3

Topic 3

· Relevant Costs

· Capital Investment Analysis

· Payback Method

· Net Present Value (NPV)

· Internal Rate of Return (IRR)

· Return on Investment (ROI)

Day 4

Topic 4

· Business Budget as a Management Strategy

· Business Budget Preparation (How to make one)

· Business Budget Analysis

· Business Budget Variance

7th Managerial Accounting Program

AIM Conference Center, Makati City

April 28 - May 05, 12, & 19, 2012

· Thinking of ways on how to grow your business?

· Finding a method on how to determine the best price for your products that is both customer and business friendly?

· Looking for ways on how to minimize costs?

· Wanting to keep more of what you earn?

Every entrepreneur and corporate manager should know this in order to grow their business and add value to their companies.

Want to learn all this and professionalize

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Join our Managerial Accounting Program, the second of our Numbers and Management Series which prepares managers, entrepreneurs and even non-business professionals to be competent professionals by introducing NOT JUST the CONCEPTS but PRACTICAL applications of business development, building wealth, proposing pricing of products, investments and minimizing costs.

What are they saying about the program?

I definitely have a good learning experience here, and I am happy to tell our management to send my co-workers here to learn and become more competent.

Ninfa O. Flores

Senior System Analyst

N-Pax Cebu Corp.

The MAP is a must-have training program. I recommend this to other companies. The skills and knowledge are necessary to achieving business strategies.

Edgar R. Sapitan

Finance Manager

Zenith Foods Corp.

"This Managerial Accounting Seminar was conducted thoroughly from principles to practical applications. As an entrepreneur/engineer who has no background in accounting, it was an excellent learning experience to know the management accounting tools and techniques applicable in running our business. This seminar is worth investing”.

Leonardo A. Dayon

President / Gen. Manager

Alps Maintaineering Services, Inc.

Who Should Attend?

The Program is ideal for Business Managers and Business Owners in both private and public sector. It is also designed for non-business professionals especially those with BACKGROUND in Accounting.

Continue Mastering Business with us with OUR NUMBERS AND MANAGEMENT SERIES

* Business Accounting and Tax

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* Managerial Accounting

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For inquiries: Please call us at:

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Or you can email us at: business@dmcasia.net

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Monday, February 6, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."

Friday, February 3, 2012

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"