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Monday, July 29, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

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Friday, July 26, 2013

John Oliver's NY Stand-Up Show returns tonight

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JOHN OLIVER'S NEW YORK STAND-UP SHOW. New season returns tonight at 11/10c featuring Nick Turner, Colin Jost, & Reggie Watts. Limited commercial interruptions all season.

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great chest you have." The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite".

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have."

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Famous German wrestling champion perfected what he called the "Pretzel Hold". This hold was famous for incapacitating anyone he would apply the hold to. A huge match against the American Wrestling Champion was scheduled to begin shortly, and as the American and his coach were preparing, the American's coach set him down to talk.

"Bill," he said, "whatever you do, don't let the German throw that awful pretzel hold on you, you might not survive it."

"Sure thing, Coach" the American replied.

The match began and as soon as the bell sounded, the German ran accross the ring and immediatly threw the American into the dreaded pretzel hold! The American Coach was frantic! He ran around the ring and finnaly found a towel to throw in to stop the match, when to his amazement, the American was up and wrestling again! The match went on and the American was victorious.

Afterwards, the coach had to ask "Bill, how in the hell did you get out of that pretzel hold, nobody has ever gotten out of that hold!"

Bill replies "Well coach, when I was all tangled up with that German, I saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face, so I just bit down on them with all my might and you know, It's amazing how fast you can move when you bite your own balls!"

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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

God made whiskey

God made Pepsi

God made me so god damn sexy

God made rivers

God made lakes

God made you... well we all make mistakes.

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Monday, July 22, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."

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Saturday, July 20, 2013

New Stand-Up Tonight: Kumail Nanjiani's #BETAMALE

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Watch the first 7 minutes exclusively in the CC:Stand Up app

UNCENSORED PREMIERE. KUMAIL NANJIANI. TONIGHT 12/11c. Watch a preview

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Friday, July 19, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

America Offline
[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

When former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in his political role as President.

"Its not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, its my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."

The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."

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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Funny Jokes Blog

Relationships

Posted: 16 Jul 2013 11:17 AM PDT

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community.

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Monday, July 15, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A panda walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders some food to eat. He calmly eats all his food until he is finished. As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the bartender is furious.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" the bartender yells.

As he walks out the door, the panda turn around and says, "I'm a panda, look it up." And he leaves.

So the bartender goes into his back room and pulls out his old dictionary.

After blowing the dust off it he opens it and finds the entry for "panda." It says: "PANDA: native to Asia and a member of the raccoon family. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

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