Jokes

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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man from London gets lost in a remote part of Wales and eventually encounters a farmer. The man asks the farmer if he can have a lift to the nearest hotel. The farmer agrees. On the way, the farmer asks the man what he does for a living.

The man replies "I'm a ventriloquist."

"Really", says the farmer, confused, "what's that then?"

The man tells the farmer to pull over. By the side of the road is a horse. The man says to the horse "hello, what are you doing?"

The horse replies (or appears to reply), "I'm just having a rest before going off for a gallop". The farmer is amazed.

The man says to a squirrel, "and what about you?"

The squirrel 'replies' "I'm storing some food for the winter."

After dropping the man off at the hotel, the farmer goes to his local field where there is a flock of sheep. The farmer says to the sheep "Be careful, there's a bloke from London asking a lot of awkward questions..."

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Monday, August 29, 2016

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A professor at Arkansas University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shoot! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats".

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Friday, August 26, 2016

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike.

"Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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Monday, August 22, 2016

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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.. he begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well... Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please... just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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Friday, August 19, 2016

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Stages of Drunkenness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzels are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzels one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

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Thursday, August 18, 2016

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

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Wednesday, August 17, 2016

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A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" the jeweler demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick."

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Tuesday, August 16, 2016

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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

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Monday, August 15, 2016

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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

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Friday, August 12, 2016

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Catholic Dictionary

AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE
Holy Smoke!

JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.

PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.

RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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Thursday, August 11, 2016

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"

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Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he’d ever seen them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!"

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Monday, August 8, 2016

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A group of suburban couples were sitting around on a Saturday night and the topic of conversation got around to birth control tactics. One said they did this, another did that, and they got around to one couple who said they used the Box and Saucer method of birth control.

When asked to explain what the hell that was, the wife said "When we have sex, we like to do it face to face and standing up but, as you have noticed I am much taller than my husband.

So when we have sex he has to stand on a box in front of me. When I see his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the box away."

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Friday, August 5, 2016

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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn

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Thursday, August 4, 2016

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This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

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Wednesday, August 3, 2016

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Murphy had sadly passed away and as is traditional in rural Irish households they had a wake and it wasn't long before a serious party arose and all the mourners began to get a little drunk.

The local priest called to the house and was a little put out by the extent of the reveries and asked the widow Murphy if he could view the remains. Of course she had no objection and brought him upstairs to the bedroom where poor Murphy lay but was disgusted to discover a room devoid of all furniture with the man's remains lying on the bare floorboards..

"This will not do at all" said father Byrne indignantly. "Get me a chair for his head, one for his middle and another for his feet and we will lie him across the three of them"..

The widow Murphy went to the top of the stairs and shouted down to the revelers "I need three chairs for Murphy"..

And they all went, Hip Hip Hooray, Hip Hip Hooray, Hip Hip Hooray!