Jokes

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Monday, January 30, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem.

Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he said.

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Friday, January 27, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, a Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Thursday, January 26, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An architect, an artist and a programmer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The programmer said, "I prefer to have both."

"Both?"

Programmer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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Monday, January 23, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ’ass’ and I’ll say ’hell’".

All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What’ll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios."

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Friday, January 20, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. He's going to get all the donations."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's' trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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Thursday, January 19, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can’t bait ’em."

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Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks."

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.

Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this."

The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."

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Monday, January 16, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Sister Mary was having a class on vocations. She asked the students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

Sister Mary: "Tommy, what would you like to be?"

Tommy: "I'd like to be a fireman!"

Sister Mary: "Fine, Tommy. Susie, how about you?"

Susie: "I want to be a nurse!"

Sister Mary: "Susie, that's wonderful. Joey, how about you?"

Joey: "I want to be a priest."

Sister Mary: "God bless you, Joey. Margaret, what about you?"

Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary: "What did you say?"

Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary: "I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Say that again, please."

Margaret: "I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!"

Sister Mary: "What a relief! For a minute, I thought you wanted to be a PROTESTANT!"

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Friday, January 13, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he’d ever seen them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!"

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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.

The Catholic Priest spoke first and said "At conception, of course!"

The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth."

The United Minister tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".

They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog they left behind dies!"

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Monday, January 9, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great chest you have." The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite".

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have."

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Friday, January 6, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Children are often very excited to learn the prayers of the Church. With pride, they carefully enunciated each word. Listen carefully... some of their mispronunciations are quite hilarious.

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some email.

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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Tic Tac a Última Oportunidade

Olá Blogger :)

Esta é a tua chance de realizares o teu sonho! A oportunidade de enviares a tua candidatura para seres blogger a tempo inteiro está quase a terminar!

Queremos que te juntes à equipa Swonkie. Envia-nos até dia 6 a tua candidatura.

Queres saber mais sobre esta oportunidade? Basta clicares no botão abaixo ;)

Quero Saber Mais

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Swonkie · Av. Riopele, 325 · Pousada de Saramagos 4770-405 · Portugal

Monday, January 2, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking beside a river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw an 8-foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing rapidly.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run even faster.

But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Do Not Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well," said The Voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive"

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