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Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. J. Paul Getty A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' Lord Barnett Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Rita Rudner If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. Dorothy Parker My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to meet them and asked, "What would you like to hear your relatives and friends say at your funeral?" The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor, and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving people's lives and giving them a second chance." The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I made a difference in some young people's lives." The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are all really great things, but I guess if I had the chance I would rather hear someone say, 'Look! He's moving!'" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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There was a Scottish man in a bar with his two friends minding there own business. The next minute in storms two punks, one of the punks had long spiky hair, one spike blue, one spike green, one spike red and one spike yellow. The Scottish man couldn't take his eyes off the punks hair. This came to the punks attention after a while the punk said "have you got a problem mate?" The Scottish man says "no, but can I ask how old you are please?" The punk says "19, why?" The Scottish man says "Well 20 years ago I had sex with a parrot so I might be your dad" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey." Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ’ass’ and I’ll say ’hell’". All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What’ll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios." Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, 'You can't take it with you.' After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. 'Oh, that darned old fool,' she exclaimed. 'I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.' Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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One day a blonde woman named Sally finally got tired of everyone assuming she was stupid because of her hair color. She decided to go to the hairdressers and have her hair dyed brown. Feeling quite proud of her new look she decided to go for a drive in the country. After a while she came upon a shepherd. Trying to test out her new look she walked over to him and asked, "If I can guess how many sheep you have may I take one for a reward?" The shepherd thought that she would never guess the exact number of sheep, so he took her bet and let her try. Amazingly she guessed 98, the exact number of sheep he owned. Feeling rather good about herself, she picked up her reward and started walking back to her car. Before she got there the shepherd tapped her on the shoulder. "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?" Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, "Walking Eagle". The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly. Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up. Again, the next day, the boyfriend is driving with the daughter and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid." She once again, gave her standard advice. Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?" The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered...do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A prostitute always sat outside and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while wiggling her pinky). Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him. "Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him. The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again, "Hi Little Johnny". Johnny replied, as he put his fingers in his mouth to spread his lips apart and stretch out his mouth, "How you doing, lady!" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.' 'No problem,' chimed the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.' With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.' His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong?' the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!' That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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There were three guys who went to hell. When they got there, the Devil told them they were going to be locked up in a jail for 1,000 years. All of them agreed with the Devil, but wanted to make a Deal. The Devil said, "What do you want?" The first guy said, "I want ALL the Beer in the world!!!"...So the Devil granted his wish and locked him up with ALL the Beer in the world. The second guy said, "I want ALL the Beautiful women in the world!!!"...So the Devil gave him ALL the Beautiful women in the world, and locked him up. The third guy said, "I want ALL the Pot In The World!!!"...So the Devil locked him up with ALL the Pot he can get. After a 1,000 years passed, the Devil opened the first guys door and asked the guy, "Like the Beer?", and the guy said, "No! I never want to drink beer again...tired of it!!" The Devil then opened the second guy's door and asked the guy, "Liked all the Beautiful Women?", and the guy said "NO!! All women do is argue and complain about little things!!!...I'm tired of them!!!" So the Devil went on to the third guy's door, and saw him crying in a corner...so he asked, "What's wrong?" The guy looked up at the Devil and said, "Do you have any matches or lighters...*sniffle sniffle*?" Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?" She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself. As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going. He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income". The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor? The blonde responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first." Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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A man walks into a packed pub and shouts "Drinks are on me!" So the bartender gives every one a drink and says to the man "that'll be $96 please" The man looking puzzled says "I havn't got any money." So the infuriated bartender leaps over the bar and kicks the crap out of the man. The next day the man walks back into the pub and shouts "Drinks are all on me!" then turns to the bartender and says "You're not having one, you get nasty after one drink". Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here