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| Snoring A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!" Does Your Dog Own You? See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog. * You believe every dog is a lap dog. * If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog. * You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids. * You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog. * You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone. * You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog. * No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s). * You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself. * You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been. * You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names. * You let the neighbor's dog sleep over. * You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog. * Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent. * When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice. * You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first. * You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers. * Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over. Reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives: The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs do not hate their bodies. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. Dogs seldom outlive you. Dogs can't talk. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. Another man will seldom steal your dog. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. | ||
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