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| Tips for Managers Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Signs That You Have a Boring Job You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God". You have visited every website in the world. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo. You're the only actor on Melrose Place that doesn't get to have sex and you've been on the show since the beginning. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket. Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. It's only unethical if you get caught. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. We put the "k" in "kwality." If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?" If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never quit until you have another job. The floggings will continue until morale improves. | ||
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