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| You Know It's Time to Diet When.. * You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." * You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. * You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. * You could sell shade. * Your blood type is Ragu. * You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'. Purina Diet Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore! The Rules of Eating Chocolate § If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. § Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. § The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. § Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. § If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. § If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? § Money talks. Chocolate sings. § Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. § Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. § A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? § If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? § Q:Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? § A: Because no one wants to quit. | ||
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