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| FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.”Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" Growing Older - Now that I am older, this is what I discovered.... I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it. When I was young, I would go out and sow my wild oats, then I would pray for a crop failure. But when did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It really is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes; if you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere. If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. You know you're growing old when.... * You've found yourself discussing the weather. * You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector. * You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work. * You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you. * You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak. * As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again. * Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense. * The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer. * You can pack two suits, five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes. * You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode. * Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely. * On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing on Monday morning. | ||
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