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| Think About This! Why do they waste all that money installing 15 checkout lines and then only use two? We have to believe in free will. We have no choice. A politician leads an active life. When he/she isn't straddling an issue, he/she is dodging one. The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? If you get cut off while driving, smile you did it to someone yesterday. The great thing about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing. A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once. When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him. Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service. Most Embarrassing Moments 1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "if you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter." 2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." 3. One of the funniest "most embarrassing moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE'. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word tampax' for THUMBTACKS'. In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?' 4. This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year in a biology class: The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?" "That is correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again the girl asked "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic..."because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat". Chiropractor A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" "I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" | ||
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