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| How to Interpret Military Performance Reports AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse. WILL GO FAR: Related to management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!). Reasons to Re-Enlist · Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment. · Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do. · WWWDWOA? (What would we do without acronyms?) · Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them. · Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose. · Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me. · Being an adult and having somebody inspect me every day to make sure I put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet. · Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside. · I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding. · Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains. · There just aren’t that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can. · If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for a "meeting". · Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave. · Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled “not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only." · Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life. · Waking up every morning and going to "staff meeting" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read. · Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day. · I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's. · Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of command" permits. · You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar or sleeve. · I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it. · I hate good food. · I love the “you are U.S. ambassadors" speech. · I hate spending time with my family. · Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me. · Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing an innocent game of solitaire. · When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38. · What? You are going on leave? · Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too? · Is that local time or Zulu? · I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up. · If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass. · Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old NCOs and Officers. · Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck? · You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you. · Because only during magic shows and military working hours are the rules of logic suspended. · Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted. · Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up whether they need it or not? · Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with? · Because if you've had enough military #### for one lifetime and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the military will do everything it can to screw you over for the rest of your life. · Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one." · Why did our parents even bother giving us first names? · IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the "MILITARY WAY"? · Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every DAGGOM DAY...it builds character. · Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway? | ||
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