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| "You can learn a lot about paranoids, just by following them around." The Initial Interview When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..." The Rorschach Test A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex." The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!" Hospital Hanging A patient at a Mental Institution hung himself from the ceiling of the activity room of the hospital. Right below him another patient sat comfortably in a chair quietly reading a book he found earlier. Not long after, one of the nurses entered the room and was shocked to see the man hanging from the ceiling. She went directly to the man reading the book under the hanging patient. "What in God's name happened here?" she asked him. "He thinks he's a light bulb" replied the reading patient. Shocked, she asked "Why the Hell did you just leave him hanging there?" The patient replied, "And what? read in the dark?" Hospital Interview Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot." The Waiting Room In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?" The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here." The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?" The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!" Psychiatry & Proctology Two Doctors opened offices in a small town and put up signs reading Dr Smith and Dr Jones "Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign and so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors". This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to " Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". The town didn't like that either and countered with " Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. By now the story appeared in the local paper and suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives and anal retentives" "Minds and Behinds" "Lost souls and Assholes" "Analysis & Anal Cysts" "Nuts & Butts" "Freaks & Cheeks" "Loons & Moons None of these satisfied one or the other side, but they finally settled on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends". Inpatient Psychiatry A reporter visits a State Hospital to gather info for an article about inpatient psychiatry. He sees all kinds of patients, one of whom is loudly claiming to be God. The reporter approaches him and says: "Since you're God - why don't you come here and put your hand over the fire?" The patient looks at him and replies: "Look buddy - just because I'm crazy doesn't mean that I'm an idiot too". | ||
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