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| Tough Truths o Life is sexually transmitted. o Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. o Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don't see him excited, make him a sandwich! o Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. o Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. o Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. o Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing. o All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. o Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? o In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. o Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. o Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired Visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of US Immigration o We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security. Morris and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives, the man says, "I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak....medium rare.” The waiter replies, "Monsieur, what about ze mad cow?" The man replies, "She'll have a salad." Warning Signs of Insanity - You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. - You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. - Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. - You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. - You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. - You collect dead windowsill flies. - Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" - You like cats. Especially with mayo. - You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. - You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. - Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. - You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. - You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn. - Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. - Melba toast sexually excites you. - When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." - You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. - You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. - Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia. - Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!" - You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. - You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. - You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. - People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry. | ||
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