Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Jokester's Latest Joke: Contemplate These Ponderables


From the Jokester

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Contemplate These Thoughts

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


Potent Ponderables . . .

·         Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they  already know you don't have? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

·         Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak?

·         If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

·         Isn't Disney World a ' people trap ' operated by a mouse?

·         Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

·         Why is the alphabet in that order?

·         If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 


Thoughts to Contemplate

·         Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

·         How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

·         I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

·         If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

·         Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

·         If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

·         You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

·         Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

·         Don't cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

·         We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

·         Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

·         Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.



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