Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Jokester's Latest Joke: The Prescription


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The ABCs Of Aging  

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,  

that used to be right, but now it won't float.  

Age before beauty is what we once said,  

but let's be a bit more realistic instead.  


Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,  

C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.  

D is for dental decay and decline;  

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.  


F is for fissures and fluid retention,  

G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.  

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;  

I for incisions with scars you can show.  


J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.  

K is for knees that crack when they bend.  

L for libido, what happened to sex?  

M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?  


N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;  

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!  

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,  

Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.  


Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?  

R for reflux, one meal turns to two.  

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.  

T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.  


U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;  

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.  

W is for worry, NOW what's going round?  

X is for X-ray, and what might be found.  


Y is another year I'm left here behind,  

Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.  


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,  

And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!  



The Prescription

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.


The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.   Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.


He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.


One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.



The Code

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know about the affair, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.


"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all your expenses".


Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew off to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means".


The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.


Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the distraught wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.


So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without".


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