Short Funny Jokes |
| Posted: 30 Aug 2010 09:44 AM PDT "I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to my accomplishments." "Aren't they rather light?" "They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."  |
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| A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way." Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! |
There's a new post on The Panic Button! |  |
| Posted: 29 Aug 2010 10:00 PM PDT Hey everyone! I’m currently in a contest to win an iPad and I need your help! So my orthodontics office is holding a contest to win an iPad and I’m in it. To win, I need your votes! So please click this link and vote! http://tinyurl.com/HelpSamWinVoting begins August 30th, and ends September 6th.It would also help tremendously if you could share this link on Facebook, Twitter, and your blogs. Thank you, and make sure to comment below if you’ve voted! Filed under: Funny         |
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| A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day M’am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, uou’re gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!" On-line Dating || Funny T-Shirts |
Its All Humor |
| why do sharks circle you before they attack ? Posted: 28 Aug 2010 07:20 PM PDT Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shiit inside!"  |
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| "The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel. "Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel. "No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name." Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! |
Its All Humor |
| Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:38 AM PDT The Darwin awards are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2004. RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. RUNNER-UP A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space for her car. Understandably, he shot her. RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. DARWIN WINNER, 2003. When his 38-caliber Revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber William Mcford did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.  |
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Today's Joke: Feeling Lucky!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.
Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
When the Race finished the horse finished 3rd.
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Visual Joke: The Magic of Photoshop
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http://www.funtoosh.com/jokes/personality/1360
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Thursday August 26, 2010 | ||||
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| A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith. 'I locked my keys in my sports car!' said the nervous lawyer. 'No problem, I should be there in about an hour,' replied the locksmith. 'Do you think you can make it a little sooner?' pleaded the lawyer. 'My top is down and it's starting to rain.' Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! |
Short Funny Jokes |
| Posted: 24 Aug 2010 07:46 AM PDT A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes. As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat. "You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath. "Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply self-defense."  |
| Posted: 24 Aug 2010 07:45 AM PDT An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme that basket, Hannah." The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look. "That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered. "Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."  |
| Posted: 24 Aug 2010 07:43 AM PDT "What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!" "Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just even up."  |
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