Monday, January 31, 2011

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What was Jesus?

My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

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Sunday, January 30, 2011

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Its All Humor

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condom shop

Posted: 29 Jan 2011 08:52 AM PST

condom shop with samples of colorful condoms for sale :)

condom shop

American Vs. British

Posted: 29 Jan 2011 12:42 AM PST

American Vs. British

American Vs. British

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Friday, January 28, 2011

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A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."

The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty.

The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.

Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.

As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.

"Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

Send your details to claim 750,000.00 Pounds in the GNLD 2011 Promo



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re

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Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

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Cinderella was sad. She had no date to the big ball, and even if she did, she didn't have a dress the wear. Out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appears. The godmother says, "Cinderella, if you want to go to the ball, I can give you a dress, but I cannot give you a date. Do you want to go?"

"Yes, godmother, more than anything!" Cinderella says.

"Well, stand back and let me work" the godmother says.

BOOM!

Cinderella is now in a skimpy skin tight dress.

"Now Cinderella, if you are not home but 3 AM, then your pussy will turn into a pumpkin" the grandmother says. Not hearing what her godmother had said, Cinderella rushed to the ball.

At 3:30 AM the fairy godmother is pacing around the house wondering where Cinderella was. About 3:45 AM, Cinderella walks in with her hair all messed up. "Where have you been!" the godmother yells. "And why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?"

"Oh godmother," Cinderella says."I had the best time of my life. I had sex with this most attractive man".

"Well, that explains where you have been, but why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?" the godmother asks "What was this guys name?"

So Cinderella says, "Um, lets see, um, Oh yeah, his name was Peter Peter, um Oh yeah, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

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The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."

The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."

The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning."

The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce."

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Monday, January 24, 2011

Its All Humor

Its All Humor


Innocence and kiss

Posted: 24 Jan 2011 12:11 AM PST

Innocent as its best

A small kid asked his pregnant mummy, what is in there ?

Pregnant mummy: I have a very cute baby here..

Small kid: If it is so cute, why you ate it ?


Try to kiss


Girl: if you try to kiss me i will shout for help

Boy: Nobody is near here ...

Girl: I know, but i have to do my formality.. :)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

i have business proposal for you please revert‏

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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Its All Humor

Its All Humor


Software Engineer and wife

Posted: 22 Jan 2011 02:44 AM PST

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Friday, January 21, 2011

Today's Joke: WHO IS IN CHARGE?

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Today's Joke: WHO IS IN CHARGE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our neighbors had put much time and effort into training their large dog to jump into the back of their SUV on command.

One morning I noticed Stan, the husband, with a look of frustration, holding the cell phone to the dog's ear.

Suddenly the animal leaped into the vehicle.

"He wouldn't move," explained Stan, "so I phoned my wife to give the command. He always obeys her!"

NOW YOU KNOW WHO IS IN CHARGE

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Visual Joke: Extremely smart outdoor advertising
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http://www.funtoosh.com/jokes/personality/1408

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A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

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The seven kinds of passionate women:

The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"

The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping

The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

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Its All Humor

Its All Humor


Google Translation Entertainment

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 07:21 PM PST

Using the Google translator translate sentences.

http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en

Use whatever sentence you want!
Next, translate it into Japanese. Then, take the translated sentence, and translate it into Russian. Lastly, translate this back into English, and see how your sentence has been altered! This is really fun!

Here's the steps in a simpler format:

1. Translate sentence from English to Japanese.
2. Translate from Japanese to Russian
3. Translate from Russian to English
4. Post your results back here!


So i will start sentence is I like candies.
English to Japanese:私はお菓子が好きです。
Japanese to Russian:Я люблю конфеты.
Russian to English:I like candies.

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A guy meets a woman on the golf course. They agree to play golf together the next day.

They play and find that they have a lot in common, so they decide to play golf together for the rest of the week.

On the last day of golf they go out to dinner, have a wonderful meal and simulating conversation. Out in the parking lot of the restaurant, they kiss passionately.

The guy says softly, "I want to make love to you, I want to be inside you!"

The woman says, "I have to tell you, I’m a transvestite."

"You bitch!" yells the guy angrily. "You’ve been playing off the red tees!"

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During the frontier days, travelers often found themselves seeking shelter from fearsome weather. Sometimes, there was no shelter to be found, and they would press forward, hoping to find a respite before they succumbed to the elements.

On a stormy winter's nights, a man staggered into an inn. The innkeeper helped the man to a table, and got him some hot food. "I'm terribly sorry that I can't seat you next to the fire, sir, but court is in session and the lawyers are occupying that space."

As the man ate, and warmed up, he thanked the inkeeper for his hospitality. One of the lawyers commented to the man, "Why stranger, by the looks of you, you traveled through hell and back in order to get here."

"That's right," said the man.

"It is?" asked the lawyer. "Tell us then, how did you find things in hell?"

"Just like here," the man replied, "lawyers all closest to the fire."

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Monday, January 17, 2011

Your mail ID Has Been Awarded £950,000,00 GBP In Our Mercedes Benz Promo.Send Your: Name... Tel.... Address.....

Your mail ID Has Been Awarded £950,000,00 GBP In Our Mercedes Benz Promo.Send Your: Name... Tel.... Address.....8



   

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We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde woman from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

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Sunday, January 16, 2011

You have won one million pounds‏



We are please to inform that you just won £950,000.00 pounds in the Benz Award. send details for claims.

Claims Requirements:
1. Full name:
2. Home Address:
3. Sex:
4. Phone Number:
5. Country of Residence

Your ID Won ONE MILLION POUNDS In The British Tobacco Promo, Send Details

Saturday, January 15, 2011

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Using Humor

Using Humor

Link to Using Humor

The World is Full of Mad Skills

Posted: 15 Jan 2011 08:29 AM PST

US Quarter

Easy to pick-up Hard to hold onto

From Gizmodo


Related posts


Claim £750,000.00 GBP in the GNLD PROMO Send Your:



name...address..

Friday, January 14, 2011

Do You Need A Business Loan or A Personal Loan At 3% Interest Rate. Please Revert Back.

Your Id has WON £1,000,000.00. in the BT Promo send your.



*NAME.
*COUNTRY.
*OCCUPATION.
*TEL/SEX.

Your ID Won ONE MILLION POUNDS , Send Details



Names:
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Tel:

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Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to a football game.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This is believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother".

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

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Today's Joke: Renewal of Contract for 2011

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Today's Joke: Renewal of Contract for 2011
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After serious and cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the new year 2011. It was a very hard decision to make! So try to be more friendlier and caring next year.

I am giving you another chance so....

Don't mess it up bcoz it's impossible to find a friend who is 96% funky, 97% kind, 98% loving, 99% talented and 100% perfect.

So don't lose me .... OK!

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*


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Here's wishing you all the best and A Happy 2011!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visual Joke: Break Have a Kit-kat
~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.funtoosh.com/jokes/personality/1199

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Top Ten Shocking Facts About Dick Cheney

10. To make himself more appealing to Bush, executed 47 people in Wyoming

9. Once dressed up as a bellhop to meet 'N Sync

8. Recently caught scribbling "George + Cheney" during strategy meeting

7. Accused of conflict of interest after voting in favor of tax cut for bald guys

6. For brief 6-month period in 1974, known as Rita Cheney

5. As Secretary of Defense, approved "Arms For Gyros" deal with Greece

4. He's fat

3. Told Bush only place he plans on campaigning is "Margaritaville"

2. Spends 17 hours a day at "Big Brother" website looking at exotic dancer

1. Picks up chicks by claiming to be Alan Greenspan

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

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The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'! m very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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Sunday, January 9, 2011

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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Today's Joke: Funny Statements, English is a Funny Language

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Today's Joke: Funny Statements, English is a Funny Language
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In An Office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In A Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In A London Department Store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In An Factory:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside A Secondhand Shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Seen During A Conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice In A Farmer's Field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES!

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