Jokes: January 2013

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MY NEW SHOW GHOST BOUNCERS IZ GONNA B ON KROLL SHOW 2NITE. SO HEREZ A PIC OF ME IN A MOVIE THEETER IN HOLLYWOOD WEN I SUSSESSFULLY TOLD DA GHOST OF CLINT EASWOOD DAT HES GOTTA KEEP IT MOVIN AN LEAVE DA STABLISHMENT.

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A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up
right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day M’am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, uou’re gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!"

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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Inside Amy Schumer: The Live Tour. Tickets available now!

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COMEDY CENTRAL Inside AMY SCHUMER THE LIVE TOUR

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city’s red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy... Would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it’s ok."

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it’s ok."

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We’d better go back where we came from. We’ve only been here 10 minutes, and we’ve been offered two jobs already!"

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Monday, January 28, 2013

Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for January 28

Aha!Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for Jan. 28, 2013!

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Elderly Birth Control

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Crazy Laws - New York

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

In Carmel NY, a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In Greene NY, during a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

In New York City, citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

In New York City, women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

In Ocean City NY, it is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.

In Ocean City NY, it is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.

In Staten Island NY, you may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, 'Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!'

His father responded: 'You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!'

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Friday, January 25, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy.

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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