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| Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?" "Sixty cents," said the driver. As the bus pulled away the man raced alongside it until the next stop. When the doors opened again he gasped, "How much is the fare now?" "Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way." Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Friday, August 30, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see. The blind snake takes a hold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer." Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???" The doctor says, "It’s ok, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what’s that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the ...er... features ... of a both a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?" Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Monday, August 26, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, at about 3:00 a.m., she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" "A round of drinks!" Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Friday, August 23, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Even More Top 10 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem 10 - Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive. 9 - No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober... 8 - If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. 7 - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle. 6 - That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 5 - You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license. 4 - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 3 - Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you. 2 - Your name is Ted Kennedy. 1 - The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering. Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Titanic History Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter
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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| A little boy walks into a pet store, and asks the keeper, "Hey Mister... Can I get some boyd seed?? The shopkeeper says "Pardon me?", to which the little boy repeats "Hey Mister... Can I please get some boyd seed?? The shop keeper says "Well, it's caled BIRD SEED, not boyd seed, so you go home and practice, and come back when you can say it properly..." The little boy leaves, and comes back in two days. As the shopkeeper approaches, the little boy asks, "Hey Mister... Can I PUH-LEASE have some boyd seed?!? Again, the shopkeeper explains to him it is called BIRD SEED, and he is to go home and practice, and come back when he can say it properly... Two more days pass, and the little boy again enters the pet store. The shopkeeper approaches him and the boy asks, "Hey Mister... do ya wanna buy a dead boyd?!?" Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick ?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw BOTH of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!" Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Monday, August 19, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| 101 Ways To Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. don't use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Friday, August 16, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Mitch Bailey went to the doctor about a problem. The doc makes him lie down and asks him to strip. The doc is pretty surprised to see wet semen in his penis. "When did you last ...err... copulate ... you know... make love, Mitch?", asks the slightly embarrassed doctor. "1955", replies back Mitch. The doctor asks, totally shocked after listening to Mitch's reply, "1955...my...Jeez...somethings terribly wrong. You are the weirdest case in my 23 year old career." "Why? Is something wrong?", asks a puzzled Mitch. "Oh yes it is, Mitch, you have not had sex for so long and you still have fresh stains of semen in your penis. Something is wrong.", says the doctor. "Well, I don't think so. I had it at 1955 and it is only 2030 hrs now, doc" Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Sister Mary was having a class on vocations. She asked the students what they wanted to be when they grow up. Sister Mary: "Tommy, what would you like to be?" Tommy: "I'd like to be a fireman!" Sister Mary: "Fine, Tommy. Susie, how about you?" Susie: "I want to be a nurse!" Sister Mary: "Susie, that's wonderful. Joey, how about you?" Joey: "I want to be a priest." Sister Mary: "God bless you, Joey. Margaret, what about you?" Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Mary: "What did you say?" Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Mary: "I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Say that again, please." Margaret: "I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!" Sister Mary: "What a relief! For a minute, I thought you wanted to be a PROTESTANT!" Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!" Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
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