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Friday, January 31, 2014
Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for January 31
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: 'A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?' After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, 'A lawyer!' Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me." Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Monday, January 27, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| Tool Glossary DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?" Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have kids of your own?" Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so far..." Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| A Texan went into the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and saw a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off. Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump. "Remember your wife," yelled the Texan. "She divorced me," said the man. "Remember your children," yelled the Texan. "They ran away," said the man. "Remember your parents," yelled the Texan. "They're dead," said the man. "Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan. "What's the Alamo?" inquired the man. "JUMP, YOU STUPID YANKEE SUMBITCH!!" yelled the Texan. Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for January 22
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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| What if men & women swapped genitals! Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...And, The NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke-up with a vagina.... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot! The top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day: 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently, 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. And, The NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis... 1. Repeat number 9! Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime. Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Monday, January 20, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| Little Johnny is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "Johnny, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." Little Johnny picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as Johnny's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, Little Johnny thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. Little Johnny then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?" Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for January 17
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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland... Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO" Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
| This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter |
| A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's wrong?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!" Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
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