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| Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!" Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| How the Grinch Stole Marriage (with apologies to Dr. Seuss.) Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot...... But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!! The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight. But I think the most likely reason of all was His heart and brain were two sizes too small. "And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... All the Gay girls and boys would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows! And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys! And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small, would stand close together, all happy and blissing. They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing! "I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat. And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood. And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word! "With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!" "All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around. But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said, "With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!" "It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said. Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch. But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch. The little Gay benefits hung in a row. "These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny, around the whole room, and he took every benny! Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies! Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills! And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill, Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill. Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake. He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight. He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag. Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag! "And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings." And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and off flew his hood. Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood. The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi. She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?" "Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?" But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered, "The judges are evil, the other states weird." "I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here." It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed, all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled. "Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!" "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!" He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small, was kissing! Without any bennies at all! He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same! And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?" "It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!" "It came without licenses, came without courts!" And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court. Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart. Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say. Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay." And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day! And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life. They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife. The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud. They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse, They told of their Marriage and sharing their house. They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud. Their marital status was "Married and Proud." And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight, He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light. And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags! And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag! The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall, and said "These are my children, and I love them all." The Moral of the Story... The moral of this story is that we don't need a piece of paper and the approval of the state to get married. We can just get married. Instead of having a committment ceremony, we can have a wedding. Instead of partners, we can have husbands and wives. Instead of calling our relationship a Domestic Partnership or a Civil Union, we can call it a Marriage. Whether any government recognizes it is separate from what we call it. It's a free country and we can call ourselves what we like. In 5 or 10 or 20 years, with plenty of visible same-sex married couples, the world won't see us as strange or scary, we're just the married couple down the street that happens to be gay. Eventually, the legal recognization of our marriages will follow. If we allow ourselves to voluntarily sit in the back of the bus, we'll never make any progress. Rosa Parks had to sit in the front of the bus to make a difference. We must as well. Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton. Permission granted to copy in whole, with attribution. This is a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Monday, April 28, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Do you know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands. Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. 'Dad, listen,' he shouted, 'I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.' 'Settled it!' cried his astonished father. 'Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!' Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea." Weight Loss Tips || Funny T-Shirts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Merrie Melodies or just gay 'toons? Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the"Teletubbies," because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do. But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years. *** Fred Flintstone Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma. *** Bugs Bunny Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy -- who, it's worth noting, has a lisp. Has a history of kissing Elmer Fudd on the lips *** Velma (of Scooby Doo) Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck-sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy. *** Popeye Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy. *** Batman and Robin Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks." *** Peppermint Patty Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir. *** The Pink Panther 'Nuff said Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Monday, April 21, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code "eating orange" for sex. So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?". This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below interrupted, "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not drip the orange juices down here!" Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward. "At least they're finally together." "Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs." Handcrafted Wood Gifts || Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan || Crazy T-Shirts If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating
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| Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to hell" Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program If you need to unsubscribe, click here |
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Go Behind the Scenes of "Towelie" Tonight!
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