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A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth. Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby. To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair. Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it." Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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A heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew gems-in-the-rough, all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that’s worth a shit." Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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Two girls are in a elevator. The elevator door opens and a good looking guy comes in. One girl is completely attracted to him and the other is also, but notices that he has dandruff. So the girls both smile at each other acknowledging to each other that they think he's fine. Then one of the girls turns to the other and says quietly "He needs 'Head & Shoulders'" The other girl says, "Yeah I know, but how do you give shoulders?" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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On a recent trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman becomes panic stricken, and begins to lose it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane and wails "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane that can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment, there is stunned silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a man stands up at the rear of the plane. He is handsome; tall, well built, with sun-streaked wavy hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. Never taking his eyes from hers, he begins to unbutton his shirt...one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. No one speaks. Muscles ripple across his chest. No one breathes. He reaches out for her, gently caresses her hair and whispers. "Here, iron this" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Jody, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery begins. Jody drives up to the front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "Are you absolutely sure you understand the plan? You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash... Understand?" "Perfectly," said Buffie. Buffie goes into the bank while Jody waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... Jody is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe into the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guards pants and underwear are down around his ankles, while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Jody says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffie said, "I did... and I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Jody. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab... 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart. Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Season Finale Tonight!

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"PC Principal Final Justice" Premieres Tonight! PC Principal is back with a vengeance TONIGHT on an all-new episode of South Park at 10/9c on Comedy Central. The Many Faces of Cartman Kidrobot and South Park have teamed up once again to release a brand new series this fall! Check out the all-new Many Faces of Cartman 3" Blind Box Mini Series. Play South Park: The Stick of Truth on your Xbox One Microsoft rolled out backwards compatibility for about 100 games and "South Park: The Stick of Truth" is one of them! Get more info about how to play the game on your Xbox One. Live Tweet Join us for the "Truth and Advertising" Live Tweet TONIGHT! We'll share tons of never-before-seen art, details and behind the scenes goodies, tonight at 9:30p ET on Comedy Central. Season 18 DVD Available Now Season Finales In honor of tonight's season 19 finale, check out past finales from the series. Privacy Policy | Unsubscribe Comedy Central | 345 Hudson | New York, New York 10014 Copyright 1995 - 2015 Comedy Central