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Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.

One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.

All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

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Monday, March 27, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, 'you do God's work.' The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused pay, saying, 'you protect the public.' The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, 'you serve the justice system.' The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

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Friday, March 24, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city’s red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy... Would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it’s ok."

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it’s ok."

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We’d better go back where we came from. We’ve only been here 10 minutes, and we’ve been offered two jobs already!"

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Thursday, March 23, 2017

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...

DIRECTRA -a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA -Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA -In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA -Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NAGA-SPORTAGRA -This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA -This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA -This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D.(Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA -About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors.

LIAGRA -This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, 'Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.'

The engineer replied, 'But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.'

Then, the lawyer spoke up. 'Yes,' he said, 'But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?'

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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

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Monday, March 20, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

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Friday, March 17, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree.

Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. 'Who is this incredibly fine archer?' cried the duke. 'I must find him!'

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

'You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?' asked the duke worriedly.

'No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.'

'That is truly astonishing,' said the duke. 'I hereby admit you into my service.' The boy thanked him profusely.

'But I must ask one favor in return,' the duke continued. 'You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.'

'Well,' said the boy, 'first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.'

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Thursday, March 16, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Juan and Julio are illegally crossing the US border between Mexico and Arizona. Trudging through the desert sands, they are hungry and thirsty, hoping to find one of the many water stations set up for just such as they, when Julio comes to a sudden stop.

Julio sniffs the air. "Juan, do you smell that?"

"What?"

"It smells like bacon!"

Juan snorts. "Bacon, in the middle of the desert? You are loco."

"It is bacon," Julio insists. "It must be a bacon tree!" With that Julio sprints over a sand dune and into the hands of the US Border Patrol.

As they are being handcuffed and whisked away for deportation, Juan looks angrily at his amigo. "Well, Julio. You were close. It wasn't a bacon tree."

"It was a ham bush."

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Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

'So, what is it?' grumbled the governor.

'Judge Garber has just died' said the attorney, 'and I want to take his place.'

The governor replied: 'Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.'

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Friday, March 10, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can’t bait ’em."

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Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U. Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

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Friday, March 3, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and A**holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

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Thursday, March 2, 2017

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An Arab prince was arriving by plane at Heathrow airport, UK. Before entering the UK you have to fill in an immigration sheet and the flight attendant has just distributed those papers to the passengers. In the box for SEX in the card the Arab prince wrote "Yes, please".

The flight attendant collected the papers but came back to the Arab prince and said "Sir, here you have to write "male" or 'female".

The prince said, "Oh, it doesn't matter for me."

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