Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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This Vietnam vet goes and takes his civil service exam for the Post Office and he winds up at the interview. While there the interviewer notes that the guy scored 99% on the test, is a Vietnam vet, and was injured in the line of duty. Automatically this qualifies the guy for a job. So the interviewer tells the guy he got the job and then asks what the injury was. "I got my balls shot off," says the guy. So then the interviewer says "Ok, well your workday starts at 9:00 AM". This perplexes the guy and he asks why he can come in at 9:00 when everyone else comes in at 7:30. "Because for the first hour and a half, we all stand around scratching our balls." Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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After five years of toil at a Wall Street law firm, an associate was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the lawyer. "I understand you'd give absolutely anything to make partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends." The lawyer looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he’d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ’Well babe, is it sex or golf?’ And she said, "Take a sweater..." Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter

Three missionaries working in different parts of the world came together one year to compare notes. "I've converted seventy-five percent of my tribe's members," bragged the first one, "and in addition to those save souls, we've also built a church and a schoolhouse." The second missionary was not to be outdone. "In my area, I've converted ninety percent of the natives," he said, "and in addition we've built a church, a schoolhouse, and a hospital." Then they turned to the third missionary. "Aren't you in an area of cannibals?" he was asked. "Have you persuaded them to give up?" "Well, it's a long process," said the third missionary slowly. Then he brightened. "But I have gotten them to use knives and forks." Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing." "Really?" Her friend said, looking slightly shocked. The therapist nodded. "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend shook her head. The therapist said, "I didn't think so." Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, 'Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are.' George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location. When they were low enough, George called down to the man, 'Hey, can you tell us where we are?' The man on the ground yelled back, 'You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air.' George Called down to the man, 'You must be a lawyer.' 'Gee, George,' Lenny replied, 'How can you tell?' George answered, 'Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless'. The man called back up to the balloon, 'You must be a client.' George yelled back, 'Why do you say that?' 'Well,' the man replied, 'you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.' Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything??" "Yes,.. Anything!" She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter

Two ropes walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender says. "Hey we don't serve ropes in here." Both ropes get up and step outside. One rope says "I'm going to find another bar" and the other rope starts to ruffle and tie himself in a knot. "Well I'm going back in there, who does he think he is" So the rope goes back into the same bar. When the bartender comes over and spots the same rope he says. "Hey didn't I just tell you that I don't serve ropes?...." The rope says "Yep" and then the bartender asks "You are a rope aren't you?" The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot." Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab... 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart. Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter

A man was talking to his neighbor and says "I see you are back from your vacation, where did you go?" The man says "Me and my brother Bill went to paris, I saw the Eiffel Tower and climbed clean to the top, man what a view." The neighbor asked "What about your brother Bill did he enjoy it as well?" "No" said the man, "Bill couldnt make the climb he's crippled ya know. Next we went to Rome. We saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa I climbed clean to the top. Man what a view from up there! "What about your brother Bill?" said the neighbor. "Did he enjoy the view as well?" "No" said the man. "Bill couldnt make the climb he's crippled ya know. We also saw the Pope while we were there, it was great. Bill walked up to him and the Pope touched Bill on his right shoulder and Bill's right crutch flew away. The Pope touched Bill on his left shoulder and his left crutch flew away." "My God!" said the neighbor. "A miracle! Did he walk?" "No" said the man. "Bill busted his ass. He's crippled ya know." Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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This guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!" Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating. Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to! Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly! 15 Newest Jokes @FunnyJokeRating on Twitter

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination-Timbuktu. The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here