Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Jokester's Latest Joke: Never Make New Year's Resolutions

	From the Jokester	Have a Look at This Joke & Matching Picture at www.thejokester.net
		Help the Jokester’s eMail List Grow, forward the Jokester’s Jokeletter to your friends and ask them to sign up to be a Jokester!

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point: Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. Stop exercising. Waste of time. Read less. Makes you think. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Get in a whole NEW rut! Personal goal: Bring back disco. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Get further in debt. Break at least one traffic law. Associate with even worse business clients. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. Wait around for opportunity. Focus on the faults of others. Mope about my faults. Never make New Year's resolutions again. So True The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!) Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Feel Free To Submit Some Of Your Favorite Jokes
See This Joke & Matching Picture at: www.TheJokester.net
Help My Joke List Grow: Invite friends and family at Google Groups (suggested, relatively advertisement free), Yahoo Groups or www.thejokester.net If you got this email from a friend, why not sign-up and get the jokes straight from the Jokester’s keyboard?

All the Best: Your Often Misguided Humorist and Joke Moderator, The Jokester {aka Dan the Man}.

Subscription Information:

ü Jokes are customarily sent 3 - 5 times per week covering a range of hopefully (?) humorous subjects!

ü Just remember, don't blame the messenger: I only send the jokes, I don't write them.

ü To unsubscribe see the instructions below or send me an email (be sure to tell me which group you joined).

ü But Wait! Before you unsubscribe, stop and think about it. Have you given the jokes enough time? The occasional bad joke is to be expected. Hang in there, maybe the next joke will make your day!?!?

From Your Often Misguided Humorist and Joke Moderator, The Jokester {aka Dan the Man}: Jokester@TheJokester.net

There's a new post on The Panic Button!

New Years Chat Party!
Blog of the Day RESTART!
Evening Posting…

New Years Chat Party!

Posted: 31 Dec 2009 08:00 AM PST

We’ll be hosting a New Years chat party here on The Panic Button for anyone who wants to join! Just check this post at 9:00 eastern time, 8:00 central time, 7:00 mountain, 6:00 pacific. If you don’t know your time zone, refer to this map that I made .

Posted in Funny

Blog of the Day RESTART!

Posted: 31 Dec 2009 05:00 AM PST

We’ve come to the end of the blog of the day signup list! That means that we’re restarting the signup so…

Anyone may sign up, regardless of whether their blog has been featured already!

Signing up for blog of the day guarantees that your blog/website will be featured in a post in the future!

Posted in Funny

Evening Posting…

Posted: 30 Dec 2009 03:18 PM PST

Tomorrow The Panic Button’s coming over to my house for a New Years party sleepover for 19 hours or something like that. It should be fun!

Occasionally we get dumb spam comments that don’t make much sense. Here’s one from a pregnant man.

Haha! Sometimes I like to read them just for the lols.

Has anyone ever used Wordle.net? It’s an online tool that allows you to make art out of words. I put in a bunch of words that describe me. I got kind of carried away on my own image editting program and ended with this.

I made that my phone wallpaper!

And now for something randomly crazy.

Thank you to ClubPengieInfo for enlightening my life with that great video!

Posted in Funny

Short Funny Jokes

REALLY FUNNY JOKES CONSCIENCE

Posted: 30 Dec 2009 10:20 PM PST

The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.

A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes, there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.

"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would start."

The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer something.

"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty of chairs in the room—"

The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be feared. "Who—who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.

"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your conscience!"

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating.
Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to!
Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly!
Funny Joke Rating New Jokes.

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.

The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path.

The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.

The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down.

Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.

At last it was the engineer’s turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"

On-line Dating || Funny T-Shirts

Handcrafted Wood Pens

Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts!

Put Jokes on your Websites || Adult Dating

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Its All Humor

Funny but true McDonald's Job Application

Posted: 30 Dec 2009 12:56 AM PST

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM. (

NAME: George Ballmun

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA HA, but seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Monkeys On Ice!

Posted: 30 Dec 2009 06:00 AM PST

I saw this video on ESPN and had to show it to you guys. Ever wonder how awesome monkeys would be if they learned how to ice skate? Well check this out!

That’s sweet! And the Rocky theme was a nice touch.

Posted in Funny

Movie In Review: 500 Days of Summer

Posted: 29 Dec 2009 06:30 PM PST

500 Days of Summer is a romantic comedy based on a relationship that co-writer Scott Neustadter engaged in during his time in college.

This movie tells the story of a depressed Tom Hansen. He works at a greeting card company, but has a degree in architecture. He meets a girl named Summer, and falls in love with her at first sight. After getting to know each other for a while, Tom feels as if they are a couple. Here’s my favorite scene from the movie that depicts the day after the first night of their relationship.

Summer does not want to put a label on things, and doesn’t want a serious relationship. The story shows the ups and downs of their relationship for 500 days. One romantic scene leads to another, and their relationship takes a downfall on the 500th day.

Summer ends up engaged with a different man, which brings Tom into a depressed state for weeks. They end up seeing each other again, and in a confusing scene, just when you think they’re going to work things out, she dumps him. He ends up meeting a new girl whose name, ironically, is Autumn, which presumably starts a new cycle – 500 days of Autumn.

This movie, in my opinion, had a great plot, but a terrible ending. It left me sad and confused. Contrary to popular romantic movies, the main character doesn’t get the girl, and the viewer is left bewildered and longing.

The movie could have been really great – here’s how it should have ended. Summer should have left her fiance at the last moment right before saying ‘I do‘ and ran off with Tom.

Just sayin’.

Posted in Funny

Sleeping In…

Posted: 29 Dec 2009 10:40 AM PST

I am really tired this morning. I woke up at noon and can’t seem to keep my eyes open. I had a dream about a school of goldfish nibbling at my legs. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

Time sure does fly. It seems like just yesterday we started winter break and it’s almost New Years. I’m having the guys over for a sleep-over on New Years Eve. We did this same thing last year, and it was incredibly fun. We’ll probably be able to be online all that night, so make sure you stay up.

Have you ever thought about how weird some video game characters would look in real life? Check out these silly Photoshops from SomethingAwful.com.

What is Kirby? Is it a piece of gum or putty or something?

Star Fox was always had a questionable plot. It was a great game though.

I always hated that skiing game. Not only were the graphics terrible, but you always knew that you would be killed by a Yeti at the end of the mountain.