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| A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in. My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to do." Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming. A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?" The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized." The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back cheerfully, "Socks!" I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here. The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook." I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me. Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just go ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an Angel!" This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression." I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him. Things I've Learned I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me. Great people in history have one thing in common, they are all psychos. Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substitute for ice cream. Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family. Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose. Smile, it's our only defense against gravity. The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people. Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier. Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems. If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and hang up every time his wife answers. The whoopee cushion is the seat of all humor. Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it. We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing. In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money. It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts. Soccer is the only game you can say "We killed them 2-0." Arguments between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever. Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals. The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting. Never trust a story that has been told more than once. The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge. | ||
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