Monday, February 28, 2011

Its All Humor

Its All Humor


Believe it or not

Posted: 27 Feb 2011 10:58 PM PST

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;



Ever notice how all of Women's problems start with MEN?




MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps


MENtal breakdown




MENopause




GUYnecology




AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy


and when a woman can't take it any longer,

she gets a nervous breakdown,

and will get



HISterical

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There once was an Asian woman who married a French man and they lived in Paris.

Unfortunately the woman did not speak alot of french but was able to communicate with her husband regardless. Grocery shopping was her worst nightmare.

One day the woman needed a pork roast for supper. She went to the butcher but was unable to make the butcher understand what she wanted. She lifted her skirt and showed the man her thigh. The butcher handed her a pork roast.

The following day the woman needed chicken breasts. Again not being able to be understood by the butcher the woman unbuttoned her blouse and showed the butcher her breasts. Understanding immediately the butcher gave the woman two chicken breasts.

The following week the woman needed sausages. This time the woman brought her husband with her to the butcher.

What do you think happened?

Her husband spoke french...he simply asked for them.

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Sunday, February 27, 2011

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Share journey - save money and planet

Hi,

I am a green enthusiast, where I believe everybody has to play their role in preserving the community and the nature where we live for future generations to sustain. When India is considered the numbers of people living in cities are much higher than compared to villages, and more people are moving into cities from villages. When you have a closer look into the people in cities, most people travel to work from the same source to same destination for their daily work, by linking these people together few vital things can be achieved.

1. We can reduce the number of vehicles in our street, which in turn reduces traffic congestion.
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With Regards
Team TravelShareIndia
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Friday, February 25, 2011

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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Thursday, February 24, 2011

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A priest working confession suddenly feels the "angry Mexican's revenge" and must act quickly. Opening the booth, he sees no one waiting in line and sees Bob, the janitor, sweeping the floor nearby. He quickly calls Bob over and asks him to take his place for a few minutes. Bob is not so sure he should do it, but the priest explains that should he run into any problems to simply refer to the confession handbook for any necessary punishments and takes off running for the bathroom.

A few minutes goes by when Bob gets someone in the booth to confess. The man states he lusted after a woman other than his wife but did nothing. Bob pulled out the handbook, looked up "lust" and told the man to say 5 Hail Mary's.

A few more people come in and, with the handbook, things go off without a hitch until a man came in and confessed that his neighbor's wife gave him a blowjob. So Bob pulls out the handbook to look up "blowjob". He couldn't find anything so he tried looking up "fellatio", still nothing. Finally he tried "oral sex". Nothing.

Desperate, he pokes his head out the booth to see if the priest might be coming back. No luck, but he spots an alter boy nearby and waives him over. "Excuse me, son, but what does the father give for a blowjob?"

The alter boy responds, "Usually 2 Snickers bars and a pat on the head."

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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Its All Humor

Its All Humor


how to win the lottery

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 08:17 AM PST

how to win the lottery when ....

how to win the lottery

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Mitch Bailey went to the doctor about a problem. The doc makes him lie down and asks him to strip. The doc is pretty surprised to see wet semen in his penis.

"When did you last ...err... copulate ... you know... make love, Mitch?", asks the slightly embarrassed doctor.

"1955", replies back Mitch.

The doctor asks, totally shocked after listening to Mitch's reply, "1955...my...Jeez...somethings terribly wrong. You are the weirdest case in my 23 year old career."

"Why? Is something wrong?", asks a puzzled Mitch.

"Oh yes it is, Mitch, you have not had sex for so long and you still have fresh stains of semen in your penis. Something is wrong.", says the doctor.

"Well, I don't think so. I had it at 1955 and it is only 2030 hrs now, doc"

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Monday, February 21, 2011

claim £950,000GBP in BRITISH BENZ promo



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An old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains before, having lived his whole life in the desert. Thus, when railroad tracks were built near his claim, and he was visiting their curious site by walking down the ties, he was oblivious to the sound of the train whistle, because it meant nothing to him.

He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a glancing blow, but it did result in some minor injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises, requiring several weeks in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen to find out what was happening. When he saw the lump of metal he asked the prospector, "Why'd you do that to my brand new teakettle?"

The prospector replied with complete sincerity, "Because... you gotta kill them things when they're small."

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

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Today's Joke: Vacation Anniversary

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Today's Joke: Vacation Anniversary
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Banta got his first job, came home and told his parents the good news. He told them, but I will not get any vacation until I get married.

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Friday, February 18, 2011

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A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?"

"No, I didn't know that." The man replied.

"So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend.

The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out."

So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!"

Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here?"

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

CLAIMS PROMO !!!



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Its All Humor

Its All Humor


The piratebay email threat response

Posted: 17 Feb 2011 05:28 AM PST

Email to the piratebay

> Re: Unauthorized Use of DreamWorks SKG Properties
> http://www.thepiratebay.org
>
> To Whom It May Concern:
>
> This letter is being written to you on behalf of our
> client, DreamWorks SKG (hereinafter ^Ă“DreamWorks^Ă”).
> DreamWorks is the exclusive owner of all copyright,
> trademark and other intellectual property rights in
> and to the ^Ă“Shrek 2^Ă” motion picture. No one is
> authorized to copy, reproduce, distribute, or
> otherwise use the ^Ă“Shrek 2^Ă” motion picture without
> the express written permission of DreamWorks.
[...]
> As you may be aware, Internet Service Providers can
> be held liable if they do not respond to claims of
> infringement pursuant to the requirements of the
> Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). In
> accordance with the DMCA, we request your assistance
> in the removal of infringements of the ^Ă“Shrek 2^Ă”
> motion picture from this web site and any other sites
> for which you act as an Internet Service Provider.
> We further declare under penalty of perjury that we
> are authorized to act on behalf of DreamWorks and
> that the information in this letter is accurate.
> Please contact me immediately to discuss this matter
> further.


Response from the piratebay

As you may or may not be aware, Sweden is not a state in the United States
of America. Sweden is a country in northern Europe.
Unless you figured it out by now, US law does not apply here.
For your information, no Swedish law is being violated.

Please be assured that any further contact with us, regardless of medium,
will result in
a) a suit being filed for harassment
b) a formal complaint lodged with the bar of your legal counsel, for
sending frivolous legal threats.

It is the opinion of us and our lawyers that you are ....... morons, and
that you should please go sodomize yourself with retractable batons.

Please also note that your e-mail and letter will be published in full on
http://www.thepiratebay.org.

Go F yourself.

Polite as usual,
anakata

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Morry and his wife Eva have done very well for themselves. They are Orthodox Jews. They run a chain of clothing stores. Morry and Eva have 2 beautiful children, Sammy 12 and Anna 16.

Morry and Eva purchased a Lamborghini sports car for Anna's 16th birthday. Morry gave Eva the keys and told her to have their Rabbi say a brucha over the car before she is permitted to drive it.

Eva goes to their Rabbi and asks him to say a brucha over the Lamborghini. The Rabbi informs her he can't because he doesn't know what a Lamborghini is. Eva, frustrated, goes to a Conservative Rabbi and gets the same response.

Eva, still frustrated but hopeful goes to a Reform Rabbi and requests a brucha over the Lamborghini. He informs her that he is unable to help because he doesn't know what a brucha is.

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

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Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

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Monday, February 14, 2011

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A Catholic priest is walking down the street one day when he sees a little kid sitting on the sidewalk holding a jar of clear liquid.

"Blessings, my son" says the priest - "What have you there?"

"Heya Fadda" replies the kid. "In dis here jar I gots da most powerful liquid in da whole world!"

"And what is that?" asks the priest.

"Turpentine!" says the kid.

"Oh, no no no my son!" admonished the priest. "Everyone knows that Holy Water is the most powerful liquid on earth. Why, just one drop of it in the belly button of a pregnant woman, and she'll pass a perfect child!"

"Awww, dat ain't nuttin, Fadda" said the kid. "You put one droppa DIS stuff on a cat's ass, and he'll pass a motorcycle!!"

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Saturday, February 12, 2011

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Today's Joke: 10 ways for the lost chance on 14th Feb!

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Today's Joke: 10 ways for the lost chance on 14th Feb!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. (Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her back)
"You're under arrest!"
(For what?)
"For stealing my heart."

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. Are your legs tired?
(girl: Why?)
Because you have been running through my mind all day!

4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

6. (Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket, etc.)
She would say, "What are you doing"
respond, "Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."

7. (Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.)
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are."

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. Walk up to a gal and say: "Are you from Greece?"
"No" She answers.
"Oh, I thought all the Women goddess were from Greece"

10. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visual Joke: Picture of the day, define Auto focus!
~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Friday, February 11, 2011

Its All Humor

Its All Humor


Check for Alzheimer's

Posted: 11 Feb 2011 12:50 AM PST

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing!

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University



Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.



The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down



I passed the test and felt pretty good about myself. Then I followed the instructions :)

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A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn't had an exam in several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam with her doctor. She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to the appointment with lunch afterward.

On the day of the exam, they went together to the doctor's office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother nervously undressed, climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse's assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY today!" he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet draped over the old lady's upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant. When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said. "What in the world do you think he meant by that?" the mother asked, bewildered.

"I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to prepare for the exam?"

"Well, I showered, and I used some of that feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom," the mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked her mother in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant spray, Mother."

"Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can."

"Mother! That's not deodorant. That's gold glitter hairspray!"

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, thanks and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'what was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

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The Mayonnaise Jar & Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle;
when 24 hours in a day are not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions - and if everything else was lost and only they remained; your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter; like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal - I did fix it.

Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked."

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem; there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Today's Joke: Prove : 2/10=2

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Today's Joke: Prove : 2/10=2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Que : Prove : 2/10=2

American student : out of syllabus.
Australian student : The question is wrong.
Chinese student : Its strange! ye kaise aaya hoga ?

Indian stdt : Its so easy..

2/10 =
two/ten
t - t cut
= wo/en
w = 23rd letter
o = 15th letter
e = 5th letter
n = 14th letter
so... 23+15/5+14
= 38/19
= 2

we never ask, answer kya hai ?
We only ask answer kya lana hai..;-)

INDIANS COMPLETELY ROCK!

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Some say: "Whisky is Risky" &#8232;
Some say: "Whisky bina Zindagi Miss ki"&#8232;

But I say:
&#8232;"Rum, Beer ho ya Whisky,
&#8232;Koi Nahi Girlfrnd se Zada Risky..."

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Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

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Monday, February 7, 2011

Its All Humor

Its All Humor


Children writing about the ocean

Posted: 06 Feb 2011 07:53 PM PST

Children writing about the ocean

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly,age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ~censored~ on the top of its head.. (Billy,age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating
beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves in to chargers.(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her
big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland...

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

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Sunday, February 6, 2011

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Friday, February 4, 2011

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

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I’m sure that upon reading this, you’ll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven’t you need more fibre.

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day - blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you’ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You’ve finished but there’s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

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