Jokes: April 2011

Friday, April 29, 2011

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Thursday, April 28, 2011

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RE

I've an offer for you,Reply for info

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

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Watch the Season Premiere of South Park and the Unveiling of the HUMANCENTiPAD Tonight @ 10p/9c

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

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One Million pounds Has Been Awarded To Your ID In The BPO Cash Offer, Provide Us Your

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Monday, April 25, 2011

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Cash Prize Winner!!!

Send your details for the claim of £1,000,000 Pounds.
Names....
Tel...
Country...

You Were Awarded Nine Hundred And Fifty Thousand Pounds In The MB Cash Splash.

Names..
Country..
Tel..

You Were Awarded Nine Hundred And Fifty Thousand Pounds In The MB Cash Splash.

Names..
Country..
Tel..

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Send Name: Country:

£750,000.00 Pounds was given to you In The BPO Lottery

You won $500,000

You won $500,000 from MEGA BALL PROMO Contact for claim

Its All Humor

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 06:27 AM PDT

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New Ambulance in Service

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 05:56 AM PDT

This is a New Ambulance that has been seen around Los Angeles recently, this is the state of the art ambulance under the new Obama Care system.

Please mind this blog is related to humor and do not take it seriously ;)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Its All Humor

Chinese Doctor-The Kind Lawyer

Posted: 19 Apr 2011 12:51 PM PDT

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So, he went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor examines his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. Otherwise, it will spread and become worse."

The businessman was shocked. The last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.

Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional Chinese medicine. They might have some surprises"

So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said, "We don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."

The rich man was so happy, "Wow no operation, you are better than western medicine. I'm amazed, So what is the exact secret?"

The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."

The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his Limousine car when he saw two men along roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you",the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"

Monday, April 18, 2011

Winner Of One Million Pounds In The BPO Cash Splash, Please Provide Your.

Name:....
Tell:....
Address:....

British Telecom Promo

You won 1,000,000.00 in the British Telecom Promo Reply with your details
Names....
Tel...
Country...

Reply with your details

You won 1,000,000.00 in the British Telecom Promo
Names....
Tel...
Country...

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

This Joke of the Day is sent to you by Funny Joke Rating.
Forward it to your friends so they can laugh to!
Check out our newest jokes - new jokes are added constantly!
Funny Joke Rating New Jokes.

Two men sharing a room in the local hospital are scheduled for surgery. Both are having prostrate problems.

The nurse arrives to do her duties as ordered.

The first man gets prep’d, recieves a happy shot and to his delight the nurse reaches below his sheets and grabs ahold of his shaft; as she starts to stroke him gently, the man says "Hey what is this? Not that I mind, I’m just alittle curious? Doc didn’t mention a handjob?"

The nurse instructed him to relax and enjoy. It was normal procedure to make sure there was no sperm present when the procedure was being carried out.

The man did as he was told and shortly there after reached climax and laid back with a smile on his face.

Watching the nurse as she continued on her duties making ready the next patient. First a shave, then a shot and then instead of the reaching under the roomates sheets, she pulled them back and began what appeared to be one hell of a good blowjob...

"Wait just a minute" he protested "why does he get a blowjob? We’re having the same operation"

The nurse, removing the alread rigid cock from her mouth stated "That sir, is the difference between Blue Cross and the HMO"

On-line Dating || Funny T-Shirts

Handcrafted Wood Pens

Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid || Insane T-Shirts!

Put Jokes on your Websites || Adult Dating

Sunday, April 17, 2011

EMail ID Awarded Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand British Pounds In The BPO Cash Splash Send.

Name:......
County:....
Tel:.......

CONTACT THE UK BRITISH Premier Oil OFFICE FOR CLIAMS OF 750, 000.00 GBP. CLAIMS:

1.Full Name:
2.Address:
3Country

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Saturday, April 16, 2011

Its All Humor

The age gap

Posted: 16 Apr 2011 12:49 AM PDT

At 80 years of age, Jason married Lucy, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lucy decides that after their wedding she and Jason should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lucy prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Jason, her 80 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Jason takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lucy hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Jason, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Lucy consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Jason kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Jason Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Jason gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Jason.'

Jason, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lucy and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS.. Have I sent this to you already??

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer."

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???"

The doctor says, "It’s ok, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what’s that?"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the ...er... features ... of a both a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Its All Humor

Always ask never assume

Posted: 11 Apr 2011 08:11 PM PDT

His request approved, the CNN News photographer

quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport

to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting

for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming

up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door

shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind

and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the

pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low

passes so I can take pictures of the fires

on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' ,

he responded, 'and I need to get

some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,

is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor...?'

An old Fox news joke

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants.

They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all.

When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, "Straight, straight, curly."

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Monday, April 11, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year's Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.

"Well," starts the bartender, "the rates are pretty high on New Year's. You'll have to leave me a couple of bucks."

"Oh, darn!" she replies, "I don't have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family." The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.

"Why don't you just come back here behind the bar... I'm sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them."

Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his penis. "Okay, honey," he says as he gestures towards his growing organ, "just put your mouth up to this!"

Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she's told.

She brings her mouth up to his crotch and quizzically goes "Hello, Mom?"

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Friday, April 8, 2011

Its All Humor

Services Available

Posted: 08 Apr 2011 08:42 AM PDT

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of Las Vegas's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $1800.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $1800.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $1800.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced, "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Liverpool, Glasgow and Dublin performing here, the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only $500.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $1300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens!

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the "statue". "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking girl-talk.

Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time. How many years was that anyway?

Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wondrous years.

Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?

Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm.

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Using Humor

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Grandmother

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 12:26 PM PDT

Hello? Hello? What's wrong with this phone?

Georgian granny disconnects Armenian internet

Beware copper-scavenging septuagenarians

By Lester Haines •

A Georgian granny faces a possible three years in jail after a copper-scavenging expedition ended in Armenia’s disconnection from the internet.

While hoping to pick up some valuable booty in the village of Ksani on 28 March, the 75-year-old damaged fibre-optic cables owned by the Georgian Railway Telecom company, which serve Armenia, Azerbaijan and eastern Georgia.

Cue an evening of net-free Armenia, as providers ArmenTel, FiberNet Communication and GNC-Alfa were brought down for several hours until normal service resumed after midnight.

Given her advanced years, the septuagenarian internet-killer has been released “pending the end of the investigation and subsequent trial”, the BBC notes. ®

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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