Jokes

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Stock Market Investment tips for the Year

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations this year.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

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Monday, November 28, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Watch Fanboys Network TV Premiere on Comedy Central Tomorrow 11/10c

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks."

In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Bibles

Greetings in Jesus name,

May this letter find you blessed in Christ. I am writing from West Africa and it is a blessing getting to you in the other part of the world. It is my prayer that you become a friend of me and the local church here. I got your email when I surfed into the web site and I know that it is God's arrangement.

By His grace I am a Believer bought and washed by the Blood of Jesus Christ. I am married with three children. I am a pastor of a small local church non denominational or affiliated to anybody. The church was founded in 2006 and now has about 30 members. I gave my life to Christ in 1987 when I was still in the high school at Zaria. A campus fellowship student by name Femi was my roommate at school and his life of faithfulness unto Christ and his prayer and teaching me the Bible led me to Christ. This Brother told me then that he sensed that God was going to use me for His cause. I was never ready to hear that because my dream or thought was never in the ministry but to finish my studies and get a nice job. Five years after school and already working I started having the stronger urge and sensing that God was calling me but I kept on putting it off my heart because my job and life was sweet to me and I felt I needed nothing else. One day a guest speaker was ministering in our church and he singled me out in a crowd of over a thousand and told me that God has called me to the ministry and cannot hide. After he left I told my pastor that I have accepted and my pastor and other elders of the church prayed with me. I immediately joined and headed the evangelical outreach of the church and I saw many coming to Christ in the outreach. I let go of my job in 2005 and returned to Edo my State. I joined a small local church and was assisting the pastor as the second pastor. In January 13th 2007 a pastor of a little church of about five families in my area walked up to me telling me that he is leaving the state to his home state where the Lord has asked him to go and start the work. He said he has been praying for over a month that the Lord has asked him to tell me to take over the little church he founded 2006. I have not had relationship with this pastor before now so it amazed me. He asked me to pray to ask the Lord. I did prayed and without wasting time I knew the Lord ask me to hold that little church and that was how I became the pastor of this church called Victory Chapel. The church is a growing church and we meet at a temporary rented building. We are earthly rich but rich in Christ, riches that will last for eternity.

2 Timothy 2:15 "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth". The reason why I am writing is to appeal for your assistance in the area of a Study Bible which will be of help to me in my research and study of the bible as well as lesson preparation as a pastor, and bibles for our aged members. These items are very scarce here. I need The Dakes Annotated Reference Bible. It is a very good study Bible for ministers of the gospel. A pastor friend here got his from www.christianbook.com where it was purchase for him by his cousin abroad. I checked the site and also found it there. Please help me for it. There are many in our local church who do not have bibles and cannot afford to buy. I want to specifically make a request for the elderly ones who cannot work and earn money to buy for themselves. There are 12 of such very old fathers and mothers in our church who read and understand English and they are very devoted. Please on their behalf I request that you send them 12 Bibles the very big letters which is the super giant print 18 point type would be preferable for them because of their sight. They also have this kind of bible at www.christianbook.com. We would also appreciate used bibles provided the pages are complete. Thank you for considering this request. And as you help to meet this kingdom need the Lord will bless you finance abundantly. If you send the bibles through post office a registered postage the bibles will get to us safely. I was told at the post office that EMS postage or insured mail is safer. My home and postal address is 351 Sakonba Road-Glpo 5870, Oredo Local Government, Edo State, Nigeria. Please write when you get my mail. I do not have full access to internet but I can check at least three times weekly. Ecclesiastes 11:1 "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days"

Continue to be obedient and the Lord will honour you in His time. Exodus 19:5, the Lord spoke to the children of Israel through Moses saying: "Now therefore, if you will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, then you shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people: for all the earth is mine:..." The Lord bless you and keep you in His perfect love.

In His Service,

Fedelix Izuakor

351 Sakonba Road-Glpo 5870,

Oredo Local Government,

Edo State, Nigeria

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Did you know that the Pope loves to drive? Yes its true, and he has his driving license to prove it. One day, while touring America in the back of his limo, he decides that he wants to get some driving in. So he taps on the window, and asks the chauffeur if he wants to trade places. The chauffeur doesn't mind and the Pope sets off across the plains of Nevada driving the limo. Its an excellent sunset and enjoying himself so much he gets a lead foot and starts going faster and faster...

As you'd expect, next thing the Pope knows he's being pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up to the window and asks to see his driver's license and registration. One look and he gulps... not knowing what to do next the trooper returns to his car and radios his sergeant.

"Hey sergeant, what do you do if you've pulled over someone real important?"

"What like the Mayor?" the sergeant replies.

"No, someone way more important."

"What like the governor?" the sergeant replies.

"No, someone way more important."

"Who in the hell did you pull over?" the sergeant replies.

"Well, I don't know who he is... but the Pope is his chauffeur..."

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

Becoming aware of Mary’s heroic act, the medical director immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news, he said "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead."

Mary replied, "He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Int'l Mini-MBA Program at Makati Shangri-La Hotel, Makati City on January 28 - March 17, 2012

Want to be a Recognized Global Business Administrator?

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Makati Shangri-La Hotel

January 28, February 04, 11, 18, 25

& March 03, 10, & 17, 2012

Course Syllabus:

The course will run through 8 consecutive Saturdays with in-depth discussions and lectures on the following topics:

· Human Resources Management

· Marketing

· Accounting and Finance

· Information Technology

· Leadership

· Strategic Management

(General Management)

Lecturers are from the academe with International MBAs and successful business practitioners.

As management of financial statements are entrusted to Certified Public Accountants (CPA), health practices to Medical Doctors (MD), businesses and companies should be entrusted to competent business professionals.

Ever wondered which qualification is for business owners and managers like you?

Chartered Business Administrator (CBA) is a management certification given to qualified individuals competent in the fields of Management of the General Organization, Human Resources, Marketing, IT, Accounting and Finance.

The CBA certification is designed to validate one's skills in business management. Recognized worldwide, the certification is upheld by the Chartered Association of Business Administrators (CABA), based in Canada whose mission is to raise competency in the field of management and business administration through certifications and code of ethics.

Benefits of Being a CBA

After the course, the participant who successfully meets the CBA eligibility requirements at the end of the program will enjoy the following:

· Worldwide Recognition: Professional letters CBA after the name, signifying achievement of globally recognized certification.

· Membership certificate sealed by the Chartered Association of Business Administrators of Canada

· Access to the "Members Only" section on the Institute's web site.

· Regional Meetings

· CPD (Continuing Professional Development) seminars

· Referral of Job Placement

Who do you want to be?

Certification validates a standard of acquired knowledge and skill, which distinguishes professional managers from the regular.

Being a CBA validates that you have the competency to manage and run a business. Whether you're an entrepreneur thinking of putting up your own firm or a manager climbing the corporate ladder, upgrade your business practice and career by getting a CBA Certification.

What are they saying about the program?

The CBA Program was very informative and up to date. I would also say very timely and the lectures was lively making it more fun and interesting. The program also provide us some very unique way of attacking present managerial problems that we have in our workplace. At the same time I gained more friends while enjoying the lectures. Needless to say the speakers were exceptional in sharing their knowledge, skills and experience to us.

Alfredo N. De Jesus

Division Manager

Panasonic Manufacturing Phils., Corp. (PMPC)

The CBA Program is a perfect program for the busy executives. It is not just a refresher course on business ad. What makes it effective are the resource subject matter experts and the depth of sharing of work experience of the participants. I can't wait to be certified. I will encourage my friends and colleagues to enroll in this program.

Jeremy S. Rodriguez

HR Manager

SGV & Co.

The CBA Program is perfect for someone who doesn't have the luxury of time attending a full MBA program. It gives practical skills and knowledge to newly promoted manager like me. It improved the quality if my decisions and how I handle my team after completing the program. Lastly, all trainors are well experience in their own field and they have great rapport with all participants.

Jesse S. Bulatao

District Manager

Ecolab Philippines, Inc.

CBA Program open my mind on the nitty-gritty of business. I am very expose not only on my line of expertise but to other departments that it really had linkages to each other. This program can really help me to be ready if I would be a manager in the future. I would recommend this program to others and tell them its benefits.

Almaeda Lynne S. Dalere

HR Officer

MRL Cybertec Corp.

Who Should Attend?

Those involved or would soon be involved

in decision making processes in management, finance, marketing, human resource development, academics, government, personal business and non-profit organizations.

Continue Mastering Business with us with OUR NUMBERS AND MANAGEMENT SERIES

* Business Accounting and Tax

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CBA Program Batch 14

Click Here to Enlarge Photo

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I want numma 69," she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You want... Beef with Bloccoli?"

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Kenny is in foster care in the Season 15 Finale of South Park Tonight 10/9c

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

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