Don't miss Russell Peters: The Green Card Tour - TONIGHT!

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana. One day Sara came up missing. It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara." "What is the bad news", asks Jody? "We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead." "Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody? The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again." Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here!

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says our attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" ... and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!" Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for November 28

Aha!Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for Nov. 28, 2012! Is this email not displaying correctly? View it in your browser. Getting Old Could Be Worse At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive." Crazy Laws - Nevada It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property. It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. In Clark County NV, an ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time. In Elko NV, Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask. In Eureka NV, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. In Nyala NV, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. Ready To Laugh? Come to AhaJokes.com for more fun any time! Visit our funny pics, funny vids, or funny forwards sections for a good laugh!  follow on Twitter | friend on Facebook  Copyright © 2012 Aha!Jokes LLC. All rights reserved. Funniest place on the web. Our mailing address is: ahajokes@hotmail.com Add this e-mail to your Address Book! We respect your privacy. You are receiving this e-mail because you or someone else subscribed to receive jokes on the AhaJokes.com Web site. We do not randomly send these newsletters out, and you can permanently unsubscribe by using the link below if you no longer wish to receive this newsletter.  unsubscribe from this list

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "FRAN"... The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston. After a short pause and several clicks... "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now" As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!" Handcrafted Wood Gifts  ||  Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Weight Loss Plan  ||  Crazy T-Shirts Jokes for your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, cl! ick here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits." Weight Loss Tips  ||  Funny T-Shirts Handcrafted Wood Pens Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Insane T-Shirts! Put Jokes on your Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Kyle Kinane's Whiskey Icarus - Watch the special TONIGHT!

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the American President someday.) Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs. Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

We know you would never go to a mall, so we bring the BLACK FRIDAY SALE to YOU!

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Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

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Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there fishing?" Handmade Wood Gifts Unique Gifts @ Perpetual Kid  ||  Outrageous T-Shirts! Funny T-Shirts || Weight Loss Program Jokes for Websites If you need to unsubscribe, click here

Save BIG with Comedy Central this Holiday Season!

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Aha! Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for November 13

Aha!Jokes Laughing Gas Newsletter for Nov. 13, 2012! Is this email not displaying correctly? View it in your browser. Catching Fish Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. She prefers that for supper tonight." Kids Prepare Thanksgiving Dinner We're taking a break this week from the crazy laws (sorry to all you Nebraskans) for these authentic Thanksgiving recipes devised by Kindergarteners. Bon appetit! Danny - Turkey You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Christa - Cookies Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them. Grace - Turkey First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it. Christopher - Pumpkin Pie First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it. Jared - Deer Jerky Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it. Tommy - Pumpkin Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin. Ready To Laugh? Come to AhaJokes.com for more fun any time! Visit our funny pics, funny vids, or funny forwards sections for a good laugh!  follow on Twitter | friend on Facebook  Copyright © 2012 Aha!Jokes LLC. All rights reserved. Funniest place on the web. Our mailing address is: ahajokes@hotmail.com Add this e-mail to your Address Book! We respect your privacy. You are receiving this e-mail because you or someone else subscribed to receive jokes on the AhaJokes.com Web site. We do not randomly send these newsletters out, and you can permanently unsubscribe by using the link below if you no longer wish to receive this newsletter.  unsubscribe from this list

Chris Hardwick: MANDROID. Watch the special TONIGHT at 11/10c!

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