Jokes

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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry."

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny."

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

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Monday, December 29, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theater door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

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Friday, December 26, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

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Thursday, December 25, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

John was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

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Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

"That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."

"Why is that?"

"Because knowing the federal government, they'd decided to lower the highways."

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Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor. His abnormality was that he had three balls. He thought it to be a reproductive abnormality so he wanted to consult a doctor. But he was a little hesitant to present his situation to the doctor. So he tried to explain it to him indirectly.

He said, "Doctor, if you combine your and my balls, then the result will be five!"

The doctor was amazed to hear that. He stood up and asked the patient, "You poor guy, have you got only one?"

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Monday, December 22, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant.

She is furious and can't believe this has happened. She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!! I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???"

There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR ME???

Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper..."Who is this???"

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Friday, December 19, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

A software engineer met his end and found himself at the Pearly Gates. The Gatekeeper greeted him and tallied the score. "Your record is pretty good, Mr. Programmer. Your sins and your good deeds just about balance out. Tell you what - you may have your own choice of either Heaven or Hell."

The engineer, weary of design trade offs and wary of uninformed decisions, asked for more details.

"Sure," replied the Gatekeeper. Here is the elevator. You can ride up and see Heaven and down to see Hell. Take your time and make your choice. But choose wisely, there is no turning back!"

So the engineer rode the elevator up and took a look at Heaven. He saw the angels playing on their harps and the beatific look on the faces of the faithful, blissfully flitting back and forth among the clouds. "Well, that looks about like what I expected," he said to himself. "Let's go take a look at the alternative."

So he rode down the elevator to the floor labeled "HELL" and looked around there. To his delight he found sandy beaches, beautiful women, snow-capped mountains in the background, and parties going on all over.

Returning to the Gates, he had no problem informing the Gatekeeper of his decision. "Heaven looks fine, but pretty boring to me. Hell is what I have always dreamed of! Let me in." The Gatekeeper handed him an entry pass and the engineer went back down the elevator to take his place in Hell. But to his surprise, the sun had gone out, the snow had melted and the parties were over. There was fire and brimstone, snake pits swarming with vipers, fiends torturing sinners, and devils tormenting babies.

"Wait!" he cried as two monsters hauled him off to the chambers of eternal agony. "What happened to the beach parties, fun and sunshine I saw before?"

"Oh," replied the Devil. "That was just the demo."

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Thursday, December 18, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three Engineers and three Accountants are going on a business trip by train.

At the train station, the 3 accountants are ordering 3 tickets while the engineers are only ordering one ticket. The accountants ask "Why only one ticket?", the engineers reply that they have a scheme to save money.

So they all board the train and upon departure, the 3 engineers get into one bathroom. When the Train Controller checks for tickets, he takes the three tickets from the seated accountants and then knocks on the bathroom door asking "Ticket please" - the door opens slightly with a hand giving him one ticket. A couple of minutes later, the engineers come out of the bathroom and sit in empty seats making fun of the accountants.

On the way back, not wanting to be outsmarted, the accountants buy one ticket only but they notice that the engineers do not buy any, so they ask "You think you can ride free now?" - the engineers reply that they now have an even better scheme to save money.

So they all board the train and upon departure, the 3 accountants get into one bathroom and they see the 3 engineers all getting into the other one. Shortly after departure, one of the engineer gets out of its bathroom and knocks on the accountants bathroom door saying "Ticket please"...

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three guys, who have just got married, are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions, having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive of how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening. One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

"All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night" he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for 4 slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear orders 6 slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a good on yer look.

The next guy orders a full english breakfast, and then asks for EIGHT slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter "Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please mate".

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Monday, December 15, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

The elementary school teacher grew tired of one particularly annoying little boy who was constantly trying to take credit for other peoples work. One day when the teacher had enough she singled him out in front of his classmates.

"Do you know the difference between creativity and plagiarism?"

The little boy shook his head.

"I didn't think so," said the teacher. "So I'll tell you. Creativity is better but plagiarism is faster."

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Friday, December 12, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

An old man goes to the local brothel and says to the madam, "I'd like one of your best girls, please."

The madam looks him over and says, "You must be at least 70 or 80 years old, mister."

"Close, I'm 87," he replied proudly.

"Well, grandpa," she said, looking at his frail body, "I think you've had it!"

The old geezer looked confused for a minute and then said, "I have? ...How much do I owe ya?"

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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Your Joke of the Day from Funny Joke Rating

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench press the killer springed trap wire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!! "

The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."

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